Gravel Gertie Counsels on the First Trimester of Pregnancy
The first 13 weeks of pregnancy seem to crawl by slower than a blue-haired granny fishing out a bran coupon at the Piggly Wiggly during the lunch time rush hour. From nausea to fatigue, I got answers to your questions!
Dear Gravel Gertie, I'm eight weeks pregnant and suddenly I can't stand the smell of frying bacon. How will I be able to cook for Bill (a.k.a. "Elvis")?
~Joan in Jacksonville
Dear Joan, Elvis will just have to leave the building and go to Shoney's breakfast bar for the next couple of weeks or so until you can stand the smell of frying bacon again. That, or you can get those bacon-looking dog treats and serve them up with his eggs and grits. He probably won't know the difference now that it's NASCAR season.
Dear Gertie, I can't hardly sleep at night from having to pee all the time. Do Depends™ come in maternity sizes?
~Berttie in Biloxi
Dear Berttie, Depends™ come in all sizes except maternity sizes. I reckon you could get some in a larger size and wear them. The drawbacks would be if your rubber drawers leaked, or if your sweetie wanted some midnight lovin' and he grabbed a handful of plastic. It's kinda frightening, if you ask me. Brave it out and get up to pee during the night. Your body is just getting used to not having any sleep when the baby gets here.
Dear Gravel Gertie, my breasts are busting out of my bra. Normally, I wouldn't mind so much, but they hurt especially when I go four-wheeling - they flap around like crazy. Do I really have to wear a bra?
~Carla in Cartersville
Dear Carla, your breasts are changing in preparation for feeding your baby. Did you know your bitsies could increase up to three cup sizes before the pregnancy is over? Oh, and if you don't want your breasts to hang down to your knees, you should wear a bra. Also, I'd give up the four-wheeling before you hit the second trimester. Your baby might get all shook up and want to watch XFL football or something horrible like that.
Dear Gert, lately when Fred gets to feeling sexy, I'm feeling sleepy. Is it rude to doze during the horizontal hula?
~Dina in Dalton
Hi Dina! Poor child, you may not realize it but your body is working overtime creating your baby's life support system: the placenta, which won't be completed until the end of the first trimester. Also adjusting to the many other physical and emotional demands of pregnancy can wear you out. Picking out maternity wear that doesn't make you look like a cow, crying over Corn Flakes commercials, and avoiding the smells that make you sick are all tiresome. As far as dozing during doing the wild thing, it could be done. Just don't snore.
Dear Gertie, this is so embarrassing, but I'll go ahead and ask. This is my first pregnancy, and I just can't believe how much I have to pass gas. Is it normal to fart all the time? I mean, I eat normal stuff like corn flakes, bananas, and salad and my butt has been growling all day long. Will this awful gas hurt my baby?
~Flatulent in Florida
Dear Flatulent, if you're talking about the baby you married, then, yup, the gas could cause a problem. If you're talking about the baby in your belly, then you don't need to worry. Your baby is probably calmed by the bubble and gurgle of your intestinal Muzak. To avoid your farting frenzy, try to stay regular. Constipation is the main cause of gas. Also, don't eat really large meals, don't gulp down your food, avoid carbonated beverages, and steer clear of those items that make you poot. These include cabbage, beans, fried foods, sugary foods, and watching hours of CSPAN.
Dear GG, I'm 10 weeks along and I can't believe how much I'm showing! My cousin said that I'm just bloated, but I'm not so sure. What do you think?
~Babs in Brownsville
Dear Babs, if you push on your stomach and then you hear a loud farting noise, chances are that you are just full of gas, hon.
Dear Gravel Gertie, the smell of dishwasher soap makes me sick. How can I get the dishes clean?
~Phyllis in Phoenix
Hi Phyllis! Now's the time to milk your situation for all it's worth. Tell your hubby that the smell of dirty dishes AND the smell of dishwasher soap makes you sick. That way he will have to not only load the dishwasher, but run it after you go to bed. He might get suspicious if you still use this excuse when Junior brings home his prom date.
Disclaimer: Gertie ain't real - this site is for entertainment and ain't meant to take the place of yer doctor, lawyer, Indian chief, or even Momma - so just chill out.