Gertie Advises on Ailments

Growing old is tough because of all the body parts that wear out like knees, hips, and brains. It's the price we pay for being alive, but when you look at the alternative, havin' some pain and craziness ain't too bad. Here's a few questions ...

Gertie, I'm getting to where I hate to visit Granny. All she does is complain about her hip. Why can't she just talk about Flora Sue's good-for-nuthin' husband like she used to?

Janie Lynn

Dear Janie Lynn, chances are that your poor ol' Granny is hurtin' real bad plus feeling sorry for herself. Getting old is nasty, depressing, and just plain unhealthy. Even if you can't make her hip feel better, make her heart feel better by bringing her some Metamucil coupons and a Dale Earnhardt ball cap.

Dear Gertie, I found out that I got gallstones and next week I'm gonna get my gallbladder tooked out. What causes them stone thangs?

Merlene

Dear Merlene, I had to get my gallbladder taken out too, but I didn't have stones. My gallbladder just stopped working, kinda like my second husband, Elwin. Anyway, the doctor told me that the most common folks that get gallbladder problems are: Female, Fat, Fertile, and Forty. When I argued that weighing 125 pounds didn't classify me as fat, the doctor shrugged and said, "Well, thar's always exceptions, but most women that've had a couple of kids and are near 40 are most liable to get gallbladder disease, sugar." Whispering he added, "Women that fart a lot get gallbladder problems, too."

Dear Gertie, my husband Arthur is having some tests to see if he's got kidney stones. We was plannin' on going to a real nice restaurant - the Burger Den - but he's gotta pee in these big gallon-sized jugs for a couple of days. Would it be bad manners to ask the mater-dee to store Arthur's pee jugs in the fridge?

Thanks, Paula

Dear Paula, well hon, I think whippin' out them jugs in public would be pushing it. What I suggest is for Arty to pack them jugs in a cooler and put 'em in the back of the pickup. If the urge to take a whiz hits him while y'all are eatin', he can excuse himself, take the cooler over behind the tree and shake the dew off his lily into the jug. Remind him to wash his hands after all that, Lord knows men don't like to clean up after doing their business.

Gertie, my daddy recently started doing some real weird thangs. He screams when Momma makes chitlins, sings to his shoes, and has been peeing in the garbage can. Could he be getting senile?

Winona

Winona hon, your dad is only 55 and he's been doing that stuff for years. Tell him to lay off the Jim Beam. If I were you, I'd only start to worry if he ever put sugar on his grits.

Dear Gertie, all my neighbors at the rest home got new knees. Since my shingles cleared up, I ain't got nothing to complain about. How can I get some of them knees?

Ernestine

Dear Ernestine, nah, you don't need a knee replacement surgery to have something to complain about. Try these topics:

  • Kids and grandkids that don't ever visit
  • Infrequent bowel movements
  • Being sick and tired of being sick and tired
  • How you wished you could eat ice cream without farting and scaring the dog
  • How you wished you had a better memory (unless it has to do with how Darla stole your sweet potato pie recipe and won first place at the fair back in '74)

Gertie, since I've gotten older, I can't play with the grandbabies as much. Do you have any ideas on what I can do with them?

Florence

Dear Florence, of course I do! Try these neat games:

  • With washable pens, the kids can try to find hidden animals in your varicose veins.
  • Instead of a water balloon fight, the kids could get a couple pairs of your incontinence drawers, soak 'em in water, and throw 'em at each other while you give them points for splat-ability and accuracy.
  • Have contests to see which grandbaby can figure out what you came into the kitchen for.
  • Have a guessing game to pick which hurts you the worst: your feet, knee, hip, or shoulder.
  • The kids can draw pictures of the foods that you ain't supposed to eat.

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Revised - 07/13/03
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