Gertie Briefs Us on Big Butts

Hey y'all! When I was waiting on my turn for some allergy pills down at the doctor's office last week, I saw something interesting on that little television mounted on the wall. A well-tanned feller told a story about this big-butt celebrity, Jennifer Lopez, and how women (and men!) are flocking to their collective plastic surgeons to get butt implants.

Now this really got my attention. Folks want bigger butts? Daggum! What a great topic to jaw about with y'all! Here's what some of y'all asked:

Hey Gertie,

I've been looking at the Sears Roebuck catalog. Did you know thongs come in small, medium, and large, but no XX large. Why is that? I dug out my old two piece bathing suit and tried it on and do you know what? It's a thong now! I'm in style. Panama City here I come. See, it pays to save those outgrown clothes. My husband said I would never wear that again. He's in for a surprise. Do you think a tattoo would enhance my thong? Can I use one of those washable stick-ons? What should I get? Any suggestions?

Ruby Pearl

Dear Ruby Pearl, sadly, I've noticed that thongs don't come in X-large sizes. I'll bet the reason behind this is that a bunch of Northern fellers are designing those thongs. Get a Southern boy in that Thong Design Room and you'll get a thong to fit the roundest and prettiest rump. As far as enhancing your thong experience, a tattoo could give your rear end a real boost. Since tattoos are permanent, you should probably go for those temporary tattoos or those nice stick-on thingies you can get five for a dollar down at the Dollar General Store.

What to place on your plump posterior? Here are my top choices:

• A big black #3 (in honor of Dale Earnhardt Sr)
• Dale Earnhardt Sr's autograph
• "NASCAR" banner
• "Lynyrd Skynyrd"
• "Braves #1!"
• "See Rock City"
• "Pork Fat Rules"

Dear Gert,

My husband, Ernie, told me last month that I needed to get some color to my White Lilly body. So, I started going down to Donna's House of Hairdos, Nails, and Tans to lay in one of those sun tanning beds. Well, since I have been blessed with my Mama's big butt, there are certain areas of my backside that the tanning bed can't seem to get to. Ernie laughed at me and said that it looks stupid in the new thong that he loves for me to wear. How can I get that part of my backside tanned?

Thanks, Lula

Dear Lula, I know what you mean. The creases near my armpits and the crease where my rear meets my thighs is several shades lighter than the rest of my tan. What to do? Since it sounds like you have a tanning bed and not a tanning room, try using some duct tape to hold the top part of your butt up so that the tanning rays can get to those sweet little creases at the top of your thighs. If you don't have any duct tape, then when you go to lie down, slide down a bit on the glass so that the white part of your butt is exposed. Don't forget to use sunscreen - having sunburned butt crease really hurts.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Frank has been watching the television and he said he liked Jennifer Lopez's butt. He said my butt ain't big enough. How much does them butt implants cost?

Gisela

Dear Gisela, butt implants ain't cheap. They start somewhere in the area of $4000 to $8000, and topping off at $10,000 to $14,000 (especially if you ask for the "Chaka Khan Special"). My cousin Brenda Sue saved up all her tips down at the beauty parlor and got butt implants. She couldn't sit on her bruised fanny for almost a month; she said she had to learn to pee like a man.

Now Brenda Sue's pain's all gone, but when she sits, she said it feels like she's sittin' on two bowling balls. She swears up and down that one butt cheek is higher than the other - I can't tell myself, she's always had a peculiar body build anyways. Harvey (her hubby) likes her new larger butt though. He thinks it's really neat how she can open beer bottles between her well-rounded cheeks and bounce quarters off of her behind.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

If it's true that big butts are in fashion now, can I wear my pink nylon stretch pants without shame when I shop at K-mart?

Fawn

Dear Fawn, you just let it all hang out, girlfriend. Wear your pink pants proudly. All the other shoppers will see your big ol' butt bouncin' down the aisle and they'll be green with envy.

Dear Gravel Gert,

What do men *really* like? Big butts or little ones?

Katy

Dear Katy, this could be a regional thang. This ain't a scientific study, but I polled a bunch of the fellers that hang out down at the mercantile on Sundays and 90% of them said that they like women with, "Something soft and big to grab." Next, I went on the Internet and polled fellers from the northern parts of the US of A and only about 30% of them liked women with plentiful posteriors. I reckon Southern boys grew up with Momma's big butt, and so that's what they end up liking when they choose a sweetie.

Dear Gertie,

How big is too big?

Jana

Dear Jana, that's a really subjective question. Now take these fine ladies here to the right. Their collective cabooses are a wee bit on the "too big" side. But, I guess a good rule of thumb would be if your butt drags tracks behind ya or if the rocking chair doesn't stay on the floor when you get up, then you might have a butt that's too big.

Dear GG,

All of the women in the Junior League in my prestigious town are getting butt implants. I want to have a bigger rounder butt just like they do, but I just don't have the money. What can I do?

Name Withheld

Dear Anonymous, shoot far, child, I have a cheap and easy solution for you! Substitute buttermilk for sweet milk, munch on pork rinds instead of fruit, don't exercise, and make sure you add bacon grease to all your dishes. The bad news: your belly, thighs, chin(s) and those flaps under your arms will get bigger. The good news: your boobs'll get bigger.

You should just go and buy some padded bloomers like they have at those fancy underwear stores like Frederick's of Hollywood or Plus Size Outlet. That way you can take off your derriere when the flat/skinny butts come back in style.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

I have a buffalo butt - how can I get it smaller?

Brenda

Dear Brenda, unfortunately you can't easily get the fat off your butt. You must exercise and eat right. The way I keep my girlish figger is by gardening, chasing pigs, bouncing on my tractor bush hoggin' the fields, and eating right - cornbread, collards, and pintos. Here's a secret: passin' gas is a great calorie burner. That's why men don't have big butts like women do cuz men ain't afraid of tootin' their rectal flute.

Dear Gravel Gertie-
I am in a bit of a quandary. I have been plagued by a big butt my whole life. I endured the cruelty of my classmates in school who called me things like "lard butt", "super bum", "extreme fart machine" and "wide load." The principal of my school made me attach red warning flags to my butt and wear a hat that said "Wide Load" on the front and back when ever I walked the corridors of the school. The worst birthday present I ever got was training wheels that attached to my butt to help move it along as I made my way down the street. In college I was dubbed "Lady Broad Bottom" after my expanding posterior blocked the entire stage at the Shakespeare Festival. The one bright spot of having a huge butt was when I got an 'A' for my Earth Science project when I successfully created an eclipse of the sun with the rotund seat of my pants. But it wasn't until I was called "Volkswagen Ass" that I decided to do something about this. I tried dieting, wearing dark colors and even keeping everyone in the world in front of me so no one would see my monstrous behind. But nothing I did helped. I even went so far as to join a 12-step program to try and overcome my large butt but I couldn't get my ass through the doorway to even get to the first step never mind escalate all 12. I was on my way to the Big Butt Clinic where I was going to sign up to be a butt material donor for those who felt their butts could use more padding when I spied a sign in the book store window advertising a book that was guaranteed to make the reader "laugh their ass off." I wedged my butt through the door of the bookstore and bought the book. I had nothing to lose but some poundage and lineage from my rear end.

I was sure the more of that book I read the smaller my butt would become. After reading the book at least a dozen times I soon realized that I still had the same amount of gargantuan gluteus as I always had. My question for you is this: can I sue the author of this book and the bookstore for false advertising?

I hope you have an answer-
Bertha Butt-Cracks Daily

Dear Bertha, you could probably sue the author for cruel and unusual punishment - especially if this book was a collection of humor stories about classifying the order and phylum of insects found on cows. Sure, it was funny after a quart or two of Mad Dog 20-20, but not now and never later.

The author definitely advertised falsely and he needs to know how you've suffered. What can you do?

• Take lots of pictures of your butt and send them to the author of the book.
• Start a web page with pictures of your butt and post the author's address where your angry visitors can send him email or snail mail. Public outrage should provide the salve for your burdened soul, hon.
• Write your congressman and enclose pictures of your butt. He probably won't do anything, but at least you can brag to Margie down at the beauty parlor that you wrote your congressman.
• Make flyers with your sad story, pictures of your butt, and the author's address and then put them on cars parked outside of Weight Watcher's, Jenny Craig, Overeater's Anonymous, and Wal-Mart.
• Write your own tell all book (with pictures of your butt).

I hope these tips help.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

All my friends are getting butt implants but my butt is already like a bubble. I want to be part of the in-crowd, so what can I do?

Jiggly Wiggly

Dear Jiggly, stand up straight, poke that round hind end out, and be proud! Take a good long look at what God gave ya, sugar. You're now HOT! Pull on your middy top and your snug seafoam green polyester petal pushers and shop at Piggly Wiggly with pride. Everyone one will stare at you with envy ... er sumthin.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Where can I order these butts?

Thanks, JB

Dear JB, I surfed around and found a web site that said, "This article introduces Dr. Roberts' technique for creating more beautiful buttocks by a combination of adding fullness to flatter areas by Microfat Grafting, and sculpting of the adjacent areas by Liposuction to create a very feminine inward sweep of the lower back, hips, and waist, which emphasizes the new fullness of the buttocks." I ain't gonna give y'all that web page URL, nope. I got scared cuz as soon as I clicked on that web site, two ugly butts greeted me. ::::shudder::::: It brought back memories of the last presidential election.

Gertie,

I just wanted to know is there some kind of hormonal injection or some kind of oral pill to take to enlarge your buttocks without having surgery? When you get this email will you contact me with the answer as soon as possible. I'm dying to know the answer. I have heard people say that's what alot of strippers do they get some type of shot in the butt to enlarge it, but I'm not sure how true this is If you know anything about it let me know.

Thanks TK

Dear TK, well, I don't rightly know. I read that some doctors offer a fat injection, where the doctor injects fat into your butt. I wonder if bacon grease would work? You know, you might could get one of those breast enhancing kits and use it on your butt!

Gertie, how can I get a bigger butt without getting butt implants or eating unhealthy and getting everything else fat in the process?

Dianna

Dear Dianna, I reckon you'd have to do butt exercises to increase the ol' gluteus maximum. Try these:

• Sit on the floor with your knees drawn up to your chin. Walk on your butt around the house.
• Put a pencil between yer cheeks, scrunch up your butt cheeks, count to 20, then release. Repeat 10 more times.
• Get a butt massage. Hey, it may not work, but it sure would feel good!

Well Gertie,

You have been boasting or bemoaning how big your butt is, however we really cannot tell from your pics. How about a pose in full briefs just to prove to the world that you belong to a class of your own in delightful derierre divas!

Good luck and regards, Martin

Poor Martin, I tried to get a close up picture for you ... I pulled on my Buicks, set up the camera, smiled real purty but all I could get was part of my hiney. It seems my wide angle lens ain't wide enough. I'll keep trying. ;-)

Dear Gertie,

Did you take those pictures of the "fine ladies" on the butt page? I have never seen any butt that big! How do they go to the john, I wonder. If you have more of those pictures of the ladies with the big butts could you send them to me?

From, bum

p.s. bum is my favorite word

Dear Bum, nope I didn't take that picture. Hearing that I was researchin' butts, a friend of a friend sent that picture to me. How do they go potty? I reckon they have their own custom-made toilets. Unfortunately I don't have any more pictures of them, maybe you could visit Jesse Jackson's web site and look there.

PS

I could tell.