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Gertie Shares More than You'll EVER Want to Know About the Underwear Aisle

I was going shopping with my cousin Lo'Reeta (pronounced "Low-Reet-tuh") the other day and I needed to get me some intimate apparel. It's been a while since I went shopping for this kind of thang because I usually buy my conservative cotton underwear in bulk about once every four years or so down at the Wholesale Panty Outlet. Since I had a special engagement (a family reunion up in Boogertown, if you just have to know), and I wanted some nice panties to wear under my polyester pants. Not that anyone would see em besides me, mind you, it would just make me feel more purty.

Anyway, when Lo'Reeta and I walked into the underwear section there at Wal-Mart, I just about fainted. Daggum there were bikinis, string bikinis, high-cut bikinis, briefs, full-briefs, high-cut briefs, thongs, g-strings, bikini-briefs, hip briefs, knickers/bloomers, and a wide variety of girdles.

Lo'Reeta pointed to the thongs and said, "Would you lookit those drawers? Why, they are almost indecent!" She whispered loudly in my ear, "Wanna buy a pair?"

"Lordy, Lord. I don't think so," I replied. "Not having anything restraining these big ol' butt cheeks of mine is kind of frightenin'. They might run amok and hurt somebody."

She nodded and said, "Yer better off gettin' a pair of Buicks like I wear." (Buicks are really large but rather plain panties that come up about a foot above your belly button.) "Yanno, when I'm feeling frisky, I get them thar jungle pannies," she added with a sly grin. "The Bull just LOVES em!"

I didn't want to get a jungle-print pair of Buicks (and I really didn't want to hear about my cousin-in-law, The Bull, either), so I kept looking and I got to thinking. If underwear was this confusing, I'm sure there are others out there that need help.

What different kinds of panties are there?

There are four basic kinds of drawers: briefs, bikinis, butt floss, and bloomers.

What are briefs?

  • Full-briefs (also known as Buicks, granny panties, and include girdles) are undies that come up to your waist (or right under your boobs if you get them big enough).
  • Bikini-briefs (also called hip briefs) are a mix between bikinis and briefs, and the top only comes to the hips not covering the belly.
  • High-cut briefs can be either the full- or bikini-briefs and the legs are cut higher than granny panties. Since the legs are cut higher, these undies will crawl up your butt more than regular cut briefs.

Who wears briefs?

Womenfolk often choose granny panties when PMS strikes (or when our mean monthly visitor is in town) to hold in our bloated gut. One thing to watch out for is the risk of having the panty tops creep above the waist of your pants. How embarrassing it is to bend over and pick up something and the man behind you at the auto parts store sees your butt crack and what size, brand, and color your Buicks are!

Many new moms who delivered babies via c-sections will wear these undergarments because the elastic waistband doesn't get on the healing scar. Plus, when all your other drawers are dirty, you can count on finding that pair of yellow full butt-covering tummy-totin’ Buicks that Momma gave you several Christmases ago.

Girdles offer strong support and come in all different types of coverage going anywhere from just the butt and belly to everything from your boobs on down to your knees. I’ve never tried a girdle, but I have tried a scuba suit and if you ask me, they kinda look like they’d feel the same way.

By the way, my favorite panties are bikini-briefs. Just like Goldilocks choosing her grits, these are not too high and not too low - they’re just right.

What exactly are bikinis?

Bikini briefs come just below the hips so having a big belly doesn't matter because it can hang out over the waistband. String bikinis have just enough material to cover the front area and just a little of the butt area. High-cut bikinis are bikinis that have the leg holes cut really high, these crawl north just like the high-cut briefs.

Who wears bikinis?

Usually skinny kids who don't worry about their panty line being a good five or so inches above their butt line choose bikinis. You need to wear high-cut bikinis are when you want your butt to dangle from those cut-off blue jean shorts instead of having your polka dot panties waving to everyone.

Butt Floss? What the heck is that?

There are two kinds of butt floss, the g-string and the thong. I ain't never wore either of these, but I talked to some women who have. A g-string has an itty bitty panel of cloth that covers your front area and little strings that go around the hips and up the hiney. A thong also has an itty bitty panel of cloth that covers your purty parts, but instead of little strings, there are an inch-wide strap of material that goes around the hips and up the hiney. I hear these kinds of underwear are great to wear if you worry about panty lines. Lo'Reeta said, "I tried one of them butt floss models one time and I spent most of the day digging that strap outta my butt. Folks at the grocery store stared, so I told em I had hemorrhoids."

Who wears butt floss?

You'd be surprised. Many women (of all body types) wear them to avoid panty lines, but one thing is for certain: hardly any of them wear butt floss when it's THAT time of the month. Myself, I've always thought panty lines had a purpose - proof that you actually wore underwear. But that's just me.

What are bloomers?

Bloomers are those old-fashioned underpants that go from the waist to about a foot or so above the knee.

Does anyone still wear them?

Not many women wear these - just those backwoods country folks - mostly my relatives in Tennessee.

Should you take special care when washin' yer drawers?

It depends on what your undies are made of. If you have those fancy lacy, heavy support, or stainless steel varieties, I'd hand wash them with dish washing liquid and hang them to dry. Elsewise, I'd just toss 'em in with the socks and overalls.

Do you have a fond underwear memory?

Hmm. Those wonderful panties that have the day-of-the-week embroidered on them bring back all kinds of memories. I was always partial to the Sunday ones cuz they was a mite purtier than the rest. As a mom, I like for my daughter to wear them because it reminds her to change her underwear every day - you just never know if you'll be in a wreck and how embarrassing it would be for that handsome doctor to see your drawers with skid marks. Tsk.

Can you give underwear as a gift?

For years and years it was thought that only Momma could give underwear as a gift, but nowadays there are so many different styles that anyone can give them! Think of the "purpose" of your gift. Is it to be functional or fun? For the functional gift, I recommend charcoal-lined panties to filter out that sulfur from when you pass gas. What better way to say, "I love you, even when you fart after eating those greasy triple bean burritos"? For fun, there are musical panties, NASCAR panties (especially Dale Earnhardt and those hard to find Ernie Irvan autographed collector issues), super hero panties, gold lamé panties, "Pork Fat Rules!" panties, Elvis undies, and don't forget those jungle print panties.

Now for a few deep thoughts on bloomers...

As little girls, we start out our underwear experience with Buicks due to the fact that the underwear people only make this type of panties for little girls. Shoot, when you're a little girl, you really don't pay that much attention to the style of the underwear because you are too busy admiring (and showing your friends) the Barbies, flowers, and popular cartoon characters on them. When puberty strikes, we discover that it's horribly embarrassing to have our bright green panties peeking out the top of our pants, so we choose to wear bikinis. Long about the teen years, some of us think less is best and wear g-strings, string bikinis, and thongs.

In our 20s and 30s, we are trolling for a husband so we want to look the best we can. We worry about panty lines and looking thin, so depending on what outfit we wear that day, we usually choose thongs (to hide panty lines) or a heavy-support brief (to also hide panty lines but to make us appear thinner).

After getting married and having a kid or four, we soon get all bloated and PMS-y so we choose to wear something with a bit more support - like paneled Buicks - when we go out in public. But when we're at home, it's cotton briefs or bikinis, baby.

As we get older still, our expanding butts and bellies necessitate the change from bikinis to bikini-briefs (or bikini-briefs to Buicks, for that matter). And finally when you're an old fart, you usually prefer your comfy Buicks or nothing at all because you usually wear those disposable rubber panties, making your underwear selection irrelevant.

Well, that's what I think about bloomers, anyways.



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