Gertie Gets Defensive...

A sweet thang of a friend, Sheila Moss, pointed out some heresy on the web. On a supposedly Southern website, I read where my Southern traditions were attacked. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, I got something to say about THAT!

An editorial from a woman in Anniston Alabama said many things should be banned.

First off, I'm embarrassed that that editor's from Alabama. What a shame to hear ugly stuff about the Southern traditions we've enjoyed for so long. Shoot, I think the author of this here piece isn't a real Southerner, but a transplant sent down to stir up trouble.

Regarding banning mullets...you mayn't like 'em, but lots of us do. They're pretty on women, and downright sexy on men. Don't like 'em, that's your opinion, sugar booger. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, Momma always said.

Regarding banning trailers...well you've probably lived a pampered life and could afford expensive apartments or houses. *REAL* folks get what they can with what they have. Get a real house? Why don't you get a REAL job, honey poo?

Regarding banning yard art...most self-respecting folks I've seen, don't have pink flamingos, but lollypop reflectors in their yards. Pink flamingos came from up north. Look it up.

Now, vehicles in the yard is a way of life down here. Were the 24 years you spent down here from birth or from Yankee Town? We keep vehicles because a TRUE Southerner knows that to throw away something means two things: to lose hope and to waste. Some cars can be rebuilt. If we don't have the time to rebuild it this week, then we just might could do it next week. To junk a heap of perfectly good parts is a waste, but then you wouldn't know that would you, sweet pea? You probably live in one of them fancy garden homes there in Anniston and rent a new SUV every two years. Lord have mercy.

Regarding churches...now you're criticizing our churches? What would your momma think? Shame on you, child. We have a lot of churches because we have a lot of love for Jesus. The prevalence of churches down here might be attributed to our spiritual and social needs. Our churches not only provide a place of worship -- they provide an extended family. When my Grandpa died, our church helped by filling our house with pies, casseroles, barbecue, and visitors bearing hugs.

Regarding bad beer...oh now, you're a beer connysewer? Rednecks work hard for what little money we receive and if we'd rather spend the big bucks on our hair and NASCAR tickets and the little bucks on some PBR, it's our right. Hell far, a cold Miller draft is just as good as that fancy Corona, but a heckuva lot cheaper.

Regarding NASCAR...now, you've crossed the line. What do you like to watch or attend for entertainment? The opera? Watching Friends? Oh puhleeze. Obviously, you've never watched a race. Southerners are in love. We have a love for speed, a love for witnessing crashes where the driver walks away, a love for watching our favorite driver take the checkered flag, a love for drinking a cheap cold beer in the 140 sun at Talladega, a love for competition, and hell far, a love for immortality. Love can make you do stupid and brave things, but the bottom line is that love will make you happy. It don't sound like you're too happy, darlin'.

Regarding wrestling...it sounds like you haven't been around boys too much, sugar pea. I have three of my own and all they want to do is rassle.

For writing an editorial, you danged sure don't have good sense. You best go wash your mouth out with soap before somebody takes a hickory to you.

Respectfully submitted,
Gertrude Butterbean

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