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Gertie's Got Answers For Those Hard "Hmm" Questions

By: Gertrude Butterbean 2006-2007 SouthernAngel.com All Rights Reserved i have issues

For those questions that make ya go, "Hmm" - Gertie's got the answers that'll make ya go, "Amen!"

Q: Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
A: Because they're men, bless their hearts.

Q: On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'?
A: Because many years ago, this hungry feller thought that he'd cut toasting time by putting two slices in each slot ..... well, that's what he told the fire department afterward.

Q: Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?
A: They're just curious ... and too lazy to walk into the next room and throw it away.

Q: Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you try first?
A: It's just another one of them right wing conspiracies, doncha know.

Q: How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?
A: Like most politicians, they crawl out from the dark blindly following the light (hot air?) and then end up too close, thusly dying with other invertebrates.

Q: Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?
A: Yes, if you wore the same clothes every day. This ain't likely because we get too fat/thin/old and buy new clothes, putting the old clothes back in our closets to wear when we lose that 5/30/50 pounds or when rhinestone studs come back in fashion - just in case.

Q: When we are in the supermarket and someone rams one of our ankles with a shopping cart & then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its okay'? It isn't okay, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot'?
A: Because it ain't good manners - no self respectin' Southerner would dare do such a thing. Besides, we normall would get their car tag number to find out where they live, and then send our kids over to their house three times a day selling school fundraiser crap.

Q: Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
A: How else would you get any exercise?

Q: In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
A: Because y'all are snow birds. No one in their right minds would keep the house 98. We Southerners have a layer of bacon grease fat to keep us warm in the winter when it gets down in the low 60s ... brrr.

Q: Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
A: Because men don't understand big words. Duh.

Q: Why do old men wear their pants higher than younger men?
A: Older fellers fear gravity - plus they usually have the "double bellies." One belly is above the belt, while the other is below. Pulling their britches up makes them think they appear slimmer, I reckon.

Q: Why are the needy only thought of during the holidays? Aren't they just as needy throughout the rest of the year?
A: Of course. There's just more guilt during the holidays.

Q: Why is it that men can react to broken bones as 'just a sprain' and deep wounds as 'just a scratch', but when they get the sniffles they are deathly ill 'with the flu' and have to be bedridden for weeks?
A: Because they usually break bones and have deep wounds around other men, and when they have the sniffles, they're around women.

Q: How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
A: Because most of them are at the golf course, bar, or office and no one notices them long enough to make a joke.

Q: Why do men forget everything and women remember everything?
A: That's a fairy tale. Just ask a man the score of the Auburn vs. Alabama game back in '93.

Q: Do Chinese people get hungry an hour after they eat American food?
A: Nope, but they do get a nice musical bout of gas, though.

Q: If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?
A: Of course, and if that fails, then read the directions.

That was real educational ... glad I could help! Y'all take care now, ya hear?

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Revised - 04/02/08
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