Gertie Grapples Hooter Boosters

Several upset women (and a couple of fellers too) sent me questions about getting bigger hooters. Sure 'nuff, having bigger floppers not only attracts men, but makes women feel better about their bodies. A'course, not everybody has enough money to get Britney Spears boobies, so I'm gonna explore all the different ways y'all can stuff yer tops.

Dear Gertie, what's your secret to lookin' so perky?


Dear Larry, I got me one of them Vicky Hush-hush catalogs and found all kinds of bras that would boost my ego. My favorite? Them water bras. I don't care much for wearin' em during the winter - that water plum freezes solid and makes my bosom rock hard. Water bras ain't for ridin' a horses, neither. All that shaking and jostling gave me a black eye, plus I sprung a leak.

Dear Gert, what's the best way to get a bigger bustline when you're on a budget?


Dear Leanne, sugar, it depends on what you got to work with. Now, if your cup size is from -AAA to A, then try these stuffers:

If your cup size is B or bigger, then try these:

Dear Gertie, I'm built like Jane Russell, but my big janes hang low. What could I use to get my youthful bounce back?


Dear Brooke-Alice, you might could ask them bra folks about designing a brassiere that uses helium for that 'extra' lift. If not, then try some strategically placed flesh-colored duct tape. It works for Aunt Rose.

Gertie, what can I do to look big when I go swimming?


Dear Laura, that's a tough one. Paper products will disintegrate - sponges and cloths will absorb, so the best bet is to find something plastic. I wonder if Tupperware® has anything? Now that would be great! You could enhance your bust and pack your lunch all at the same time. Shoot, you could even use em as life preservers.

Dear Gertie, I got me some new bitsies. I special ordered them from the Revco and they are the purtiest thangs. They didn't come with instructions, so how would I wash them?


Dear Martina, I seriously doubt they are dishwasher safe, so you probably could just squeegee them off with a little dish soap and a sponge, I reckon. Set them out on the window sill to dry.

Dear Gertie, are there any organic breast enhancers that are friendly for the environment?


Dear Ashley, I ain't no tree hugger, but I imagine that you could grab handfuls of peat, grass, moss, mulch, dirt, or compost and stuff them in your bra. Might be kinda itchy though - especially if mites, worms, or other insects hitch a ride in your hooter booster.

Dear Gertie, why don't you just get implants?


Dear Mimi, first off, I don't want foreign objects the size of two peaches in my body. Second, I don't want no doctor cutting on me. Third, I'm afraid my false floppers might end up on my shoulders. Fourth, I don't want scars, and last, I ain't got $3000-5000 sitting around to go whole hog on hooters. But that's just me, though. I reckon if Clyde wanted some new playthings, and he talked real nice to me, I might let him get them. Maybe. This ol' girl don't like needles, knives, or pain. Shoot, I don't even have my ears pierced.

Dear Gertie, will breast-feeding make my bazonkers bigger?


Dear Sheryl, sure 'nuff while you're breast-feeding, you'll have some bigguns. BUT I've found that if you breast-feed a lot of kids, your bigguns will become itsy-bitsies. Think about all them jungle women you see on the PBS channel - they work in those fields, nursing babies, and wearin' them big bones in their lips. Ever single one of them women has flat hooters. The only cleavage you'll see is on the man's backside when he goes off huntin' for lizards or snipe.

Hey Gertie, my Aunt Ruby Dee used to enhance her hooters with cash. Yep, that's where she kept her butter & egg money & boy was she enhanced! Her favorite saying was a girl gotta keep it close to her heart!

Alma Jane
Dear Alma Jane, great idea! Matter of fact, I remember Aunt Ruby Dee saying that Uncle Floyd never got the butter & egg money 'cause he done lost interest once he unhooked the vault.

Hiya Gert, Well, since I was born with the perfect size (48DD) I ain't never had no problem with having to make my girls bigger. But I do have some advice since I've had to console my three sisters who are all under a B-cup. Nursing pads work just wonderful. You can add one, two or three, and you can gettem real cheap down at the dollar store. They have that their natural fit.

My younger sister Ellaloray has real small girls, but she is very athletic. If you get ya one of those plastic holders for caps, the kind you put in the dishwasher to wash Earl's Sunday NASCAR cap, just take your wire cutters & snip off the edges, then take your acrylic nail file & file it down real smooth. They work real good for bathing suits & catch minnows at the same time.

Now if you are just against stuffin' your bra, follow this beauty tip. Draw attention to your girls anyway you can. Always buy your bra two sizes too small. That pushes your girls up & out. Take some blush & lightly dust between your girls. Now always coordinate your face rouge with your girls's color. Next take that eyebrow stick & draw a beauty mark slightly above the cup line. This really draws attention to them. Another way to draw attention to get a tattoo. Next, every female knows the walk. Swing those hips & this causes your girls to jiggle.

I hope this helps.

Cousin Lo'Reeta

Dear Lo'Reeta, it sure 'nuff does! I especially like the cap-holder idear - you never know when you might get a hankering to go fishin' while you're sunbathing!
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Revised - 08/29/02