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Gertie's Hurricane Know-it-all Center

By: Gertrude Butterbean © 2005 - 2012 SouthernAngel.com

With all these big bad hurricanes comin', what should we do?!

If y'all live in a trailer: get the hell out. Go to a school, church, or other shelter, or go to a relative or neighbor's house - *if* they got a house. Otherwise yer sorta defeatin' the purpose.

Ok now, y'all need supplies to last about five days or so.

Water: have about one gallon per person minimum for drinking, makin' tea and brushing yer teeth. I like to keep some CLEANED plastic milk jugs filled with water in my basement for cleaning and other things.

Food: here's some idears

  • Special foods for younguns and old farts like creamed corn, snuff, and chewin' tobaccy
  • Non-rot food you don't have to refrigerate like Vienna Sausages, beer, squirt cheese, crackers, bread, ketchup, hot sauce, and canned meat (to mix with bbq sauce to make bbq sammages). Don't forget powdered or canned milk for the kiddies; beer and coffee for the adults, and Jack Daniels for Uncle Earl.
  • Garden Goodies that are cheap and don't need to be kept cool like watermelon, mushmelon, berries, tomaters, taters, and squash to name a few.
  • Snackin' foods that'll keep yer blood sugar on an even keel like beef jerky, pepperoni sticks, beer, unseeded sunflower seeds, cheese curls, and bbq pork rinds.
  • A can opener you don't need to plug in - the same goes for a bottle opener (unless you got Momma's extra pair of teeth).
  • A grill, gas or charcoal for the grill, plus cookin' spoons, knives, forks, tongs and spatulas.
  • Paper plates and plastic forks and thangs.
  • Thaw out a couple of them homemade funeral pies you keep in the freezer for when somebody dies, and y'all have dessert!

Sleepin' Stuff like blankets, pillows, bug spray, etc.

Clothing: racin' T-shirts, shorts, undies, long pants, rain gear, and sturdy shoes to wear outside to film when the 347-mph winds whip by. Also you women might wanna get a girdle and padded bra cuz wet clothes can get real clingy.

First Aid Stuff: allergy medicines, cream for bug bites, beer, wart or ringworm remover (depending on what relatives are stayin' with ya), Prozac and other prescription drugs to help y'all cope with cabin fever and homicidal urges.

Toiletries: Hygienic thangs to keep ya fresh as a rose like, beer toilet paper, wet wipes, yes, and condoms. Oh hush, y'all know all about what goes on during hurricanes when the power goes out and there ain't nothin' to do for the easily bored folks!

Lights: flashlights, batteries, a'course a video camera would be real nice to film your neighbor screamin' and runnin' bare butt down the road after finding a snake that got blowed in his bathroom winder. Don't forget to film yourself in the wind tellin' how it all sounded like a freight train.

Radios: battery operated radios, CD/tape players, and a good weather radio. Don't forget yer Bocephus, Lynyrd Skynrd, (FREEBIRD!) and Roger Miller CDs, and if you got a portable DVD player, take Ol' Yeller, Talladega Nights, and old NASCAR races on DVD and y'all are set.

Money: don't count on being able to go to the bank to get money to bribe Aunt Bertha to give you her gasoline powered generator. There ain't enough money in the world to let her freezer thaw and ruin those church bake sale goodies she's been hoarding.

Toys: get books, magazines, cards, Twister game and a bug zapper to entertain. Kids'll want fake tattoos (just like Momma's) for fun.

Important documents: these are ... uh ... important. Put 'em in baggies to keep 'em from gettin' wet. There's insurance forms, medical records, bank account numbers, Social Security cards and your #3 Dale Earnhardt signed baseball cap certificate of proof.

Tools: keep your wrenches, hammers, saws, duct tape, glue, and WD-40 spray with you during the storm.

Other Stuff for pets (and some relatives) you might need proper identification (either immunization records or driver's licenses), medications, a carrier or cage, muzzle and leash.

Next, y'all need to have a Family Disaster Plan. Have a come-to-Jesus meetin with your kinfolk to discuss the following things:

  • What bad things could happen? Will the basement flood? Will the wind blow over that half-dead pine tree by the shed? And most important, will Uncle Earl have to stay longer than a day?
  • Where is the safe room or the safest room in the house? Is it big enough for Momma?
  • Where's the closest emergency shelter? Has the temporary restraining order for Uncle Earl expired?
  • What is the escape route from the house (just in case it gets blown away)? Where should the family meet if this happens? Where should the family really meet to get away from Aunt Bet?
  • What will you do with the dogs? And no, puttin' them under the porch ain't the right answer.
  • Do you have flood insurance? Wind damage insurance? Uncle Earl insurance? Better find out.
  • Could the shutters be blown off? Windows blown out? Discuss whether y'all need to board up shutters, windows, doors or not. Just make sure you leave one or two doors "un-boarded" - don't be stupid and board up the house so that you can't get back in.

Wanna know my favorite weather site? It's The Weather Channel, duh! http://weather.com/ - click on over and see where I get all my latest and greatest weather information.

Well, that's it for now. So y'all be safe, ya hear!? If I forgot something, holler back at me and let me know!

Copyright © 2005 - 2016, Gertrude Butterbean SouthernAngel.com ALL RIGHTS RESERVED
Revised - 07/09/05 - 7/30/2016
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