Gertie's Hurricane Know-it-all Center
By: Gertrude Butterbean © 2005 - 2008 SouthernAngel.com
With all these big bad hurricanes comin', Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia, and Mississippi folks inland like me need to know about survivin' in big winds.
First off, y'all need supplies to last about five days or so.
Water: have about one gallon per person. The good news is that you won't have to bathe. Use this water for drinking, makin' tea and brushing yer teeth.
Food: here's some idears
- Special foods for younguns and old farts like creamed corn, snuff, and chewin' tobaccy
- Non-rot food you don't have to refrigerate like Vienna Sausages, squirt cheese, crackers, bread, ketchup, hot sauce, and canned meat (to mix with bbq sauce to make bbq sammages). Don't forget powdered or canned milk and drink mixes and sugar for the kiddies, sodas and tea for the adults, and Jack Daniels for Uncle Earl.
- Garden Goodies that are cheap and don't need to be kept cool like watermelon, mushmelon, berries, tomaters, taters, and squash to name a few.
- Snackin' foods that'll keep yer blood sugar on an even keel like beef jerky, pepperoni sticks, unseeded sunflower seeds, cheese curls, and bbq pork rinds.
- A can opener you don't need to plug in - the same goes for a bottle opener (unless you got Momma's extra pair of teeth).
- A grill, gas or charcoal for the grill, plus cookin' spoons, knives, forks, tongs and spatulas.
- Paper plates and plastic forks and thangs.
- Thaw out a couple of them pies you made just in case there was a funeral. Talk about a good dessert!
Sleepin' Stuff like blankets, pillows, bug spray, etc.
Clothing: racin' T-shirts, shorts, undies, long pants, rain gear, and sturdy shoes to wear outside to film when the 347-mph winds whip by. Also you women might wanna get a girdle and padded bra cuz wet clothes can get real clingy.
First Aid Stuff: allergy medicines, cream for bug bites, Prozac and other prescription drugs to help y'all cope with being indoors with your relatives.
Toiletries: Hygiene items to keep yer purty parts clean, toilet paper, wet wipes, and condoms. Oh hush, I know all about what goes on during hurricanes when the power goes out and there ain't nothin' to do!
Lights: flashlights, batteries, a nice camera to take pictures of your neighbor screamin' and runnin' bare butt down the road after finding a snake that got blowed in through the winder.
Radios: battery operated radios, CD/tape players, and a good weather radio. Don't forget Alan Jackson CDs and if you got a portable DVD player, y'all can watch them old NASCAR races.
Money: don't count on being able to go to the bank to get money to bribe Aunt Bertha to give you her gasoline powered generator. There ain't enough money in the world to let her freezer thaw and ruin those church bake sale pies she's been making.
Toys: get books, magazines, and fun games like Twister, fly paper, and a bug zapper to entertain. Kids'll want fake tattoos (just like Momma's) for fun.
Important documents: these are ... uh ... important. Put 'em in baggies to keep 'em from gettin' wet. There's insurance forms, medical records, bank account numbers, Social Security cards and your #3 Dale Earnhardt signed baseball cap.
Tools: keep your wrenches, hammers, saws, duct tape, glue, and WD-40 spray with you during the storm.
Other Stuff for pets (and some relatives) you might need proper identification (either immunization records or driver's licenses), medications, a carrier or cage, muzzle and leash. Don't forget the time Uncle Earl chewed through his muzzle, so you might want to pack an extra.
Second, y'all need to have a Family Disaster Plan. Have a "set down" with your kinfolk and discuss the following things:
- What bad things could happen? Will the basement flood? Will the wind blow over that half-dead pin oak by the shed? And most important, will Uncle Earl have to stay longer than a day?
- Where is the safe room or the safest room in the house? Is it big enough for Momma?
- Where's the closest emergency shelter? Is Uncle Earl allowed?
- What is the escape route from the house (just in case it gets blown away)? Where should the family meet if this happens?
- What will you do with the dogs? And no, puttin' them under the porch ain't the right answer.
- Do you have flood insurance? Wind damage insurance? Uncle Earl insurance? Better find out.
- Could the shutters be blown off? Windows blown out? Discuss whether y'all need to board up shutters, windows, doors or not. Just make sure you leave one or two doors "un-boarded" - don't be stupid and board up the house so that you can't get back in (or Momma can't get out).