Lonely Cry: A Dissertation

By: Gertrude Butterbean © 2003 All Rights Preserved and Air-tight

Recently, a greeting card company rejected Clyde's heart-felt submission on the subject of passing wind, he wrote, "A fart is the lonely cry of an imprisoned turd."

I thought it was real special, and sent it to a friend up north and he wrote me back, "Call me dense if you like, but I just don't get it. Why would the fart be lonely if it is imprisoned with the turd? Being they have so much in common, odor-wise, I would think they have much to discuss during their long periods of confinement."

Being the type that likes to educate folks on the finer thangs in life, I thought I'd share my gassy dissertation on this here matter of the wind, or "flatus" to use the fancy scientific word for fart.

The fart ain't lonely, it's the product of the turd - which is lonely. OK, let's take a engineer's view of this argument using Black Box Logic. (White Box Logic would confuse you too much and besides, who really cares what goes on in the mind of a turd? Well, except Aint Bette and she's locked in that purty padded room.)

Anyhoo, as to all logic, there are three parts: Input (what goes in), Processing (the workin' part), and Output (what comes out). In today's lesson, we are looking at the Black Box approach to processing. The processing part is what them educated folks call a black box - we can't see through that there black box, we just trust that it does its work the right way. For our example, what the colon does to the turd is processing.

As Cousin Cletus likes to show off to his new girlfriends, methane gas can form an explosive mixture in air at levels as low as 5 percent. You can smell a gas leak from yer stove only because utility companies add a chemical smell to it or when it mixes naturally with hydrogen sulfide, causing that lovable "rotten egg" smell. If you can smell it, the level may be too high to be safe.


The output from Mr. Turd must be released and is often done so by eructation (another scientific five dollar word for burping), passing wind (farting), and re-absorption. The release of this output often precedes a bowel movement.

Now, to examine the adjective "lonely" in combination with our Black Box study on fartin' ....

To give our scat the human emotion of feeling alone is called personification for all you literary folks. So to personify Mr. Turd, then his cry (you know, the release of gas) could be any number of things: a mating call (as in Clyde’s case), a warning call (as in my case), or even just a run-of-the-mill processing noise (as in a politician’s case).

So now y'all know, and ya learnt a lotta big words in the process.

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Copyright © 2003, Gravel Gertie
Revised - 12/19/03