Gertie Got Hate Mail!

Can y'all believe it?

The other day, I got an interesting email and for the life of me I couldn't figger out what upset this feller. The last thang I wrote was about grilled cheese, I didn't know that fried cheese sammages were that controversial!

Anyhoo, here's the email, oh, I edited out the cussin' so y'all wouldn't get upset:


Subj: bieng a looser
Date: 11/19/2002 8:37:28 AM Central Standard Time

From: bnorton@(snip).net
To: Gravel Gertie
CC: bnorton@(snip).net
Sent from Ben Norton

wot the f--k have u been doing all ur f--king life u sad cow. get a f--king job u loser


The subject, "bieng a looser" confused me. At first, I thought Mr. Ben Norton was sharing a tasty Korean marinade recipe with me. I also wondered why he CC'd himself and then I figgered he might be real lonely and liked to receive email.

Reading further, I saw that he was trying to communicate some hidden message to me - something about what I've been doing all my life.

Thanks for askin'!

Well, for a few years, I ran off to college and I learned how to spell, use proper diction and punctuation, and use the computer. A'course I don't use my phraseology wherewithal here on these pages much - I scrupulously select locution from my target audience's vernacular so that he or she will comprehend my explications. Awright?

Mr. Ben Norton mentioned the eff-word several times, and I can tell y'all right now, Clyde and I have a beautiful thang and I don't call what we do the 'eff-word,' but more of makin' purty music. You know, kinda like the Grand Ole Opry's greatest hits - aged and spicy. Mr. Ben Norton probably don't know what real love is.

Sad cow? I've seen a few in my time, and they are pitiful. My cows usually get sad when I don't sing to 'em. They really like Johnny Cash tunes. Folsom Prison Blues is their favorite. Also, those folks at PETA say that dairy cows get real depressed, but I can't really comment on that because I never did take a bovine psychology course at the community college. Maybe them PETA folks ought to buy a Johnny Cash album or two.

Am I a sad cow? Well, it depends on what time of the month it is, sugar. Although, I don't get sad when PMS strikes, I usually get meaner than a striped snake. I don't really consider myself a cow either, but more of a deer or small horse...yeah, just call me Raging Mare instead of Sad Cow.

As for a job, I've had bunches over the past several decades: chef, beautician, pump jockey, singer, accountant, cow herder, student, hunter, gardener, artist, goat milker, grist miller, race car driver, waitress, educator, model, dancer (not the nekkid kind, mind you), Chinchilla farmer, nurse, short order cook, plant surgeon, writer, Momma, cow tipper, custodian, flea marketer, disc jockey, computer programmer, Yankee de-programmer, advice columnist, and the reining Queen of Kudzu.

And last - am I a loser? I reckon that's subjective. (In case you didn't know, SUBJECTIVE basically means 'beauty is in the eyes of the beer holder.') To some, I'm a loser because I've lost socks, cows, batteries, and dishes, to others, I'm a loser because I eat grits, am a Bill Elliot fan, and speak my mind.

Are YOU a loser? Take this quiz!

  1. Do your hobbies include pushing shopping carts into cars, eating candy in front of kids, and locking bathroom stalls so that they appear to be occupied?
  2. Do you have more than four email accounts to make yourself look like a big shot? Do you forward yourself ads for Viagra and offers to get BIGGER and BETTER?
  3. Do you spend more hours in a chat room than in public?
  4. Do you surf web sites and send nonsense email to the owner about 'bieng a looser'?
  5. Are you a Tony Stewart fan?
  6. Do you heckle the preacher?
  7. Do you heckle your momma?
  8. Did your momma kick you out and change the locks?
  9. Do you still live with your momma anyway?
  10. Do you fart in a crowded elevator?

If you answered 'yes' to more than two questions, you're a loser!

As far as a 'bieng looser' - I don't have a clue.


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Copyright © 2002 SouthernAngel
Revised - 11/20/02