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Gertie's Got His 'n Her Love Tests

By: Gertrude Butterbean 2005 SouthernAngel.com All Rights Reserved

he loves you

This time of year, lots folks start gettin' all lovey-dovey and stuff. But ya know, there are folks don't want to get that way! What if it's yer mate that has lost that lovin' feelin'? Well, I got some tests and advice for y'all!

You Fellers click here to go down to yer test and advice!

For You Ladies: Has Bubba lost that lovin' feelin'? Well, take this test and see! Click here for 10 ways to help Bubba rekindle that fire.

  1. When Bubba picks you up for a date, does he:
    1. Pull up and honk?
    2. Pull up, get out of the truck and holler?
    3. Pull up, get out of the truck, and knock on the door?
  2. On yer date, where do y'all eat?
    1. A sit down value meal at Dairy Queen?
    2. A salad, steak, and taters at Ponderosa?
    3. A peanut butter and 'nanner sandwich in the back of the truck?
  3. For entertainment, does Bubba take you:
    1. Bowling for dollars?
    2. Parkin' out behind the church bone yard?
    3. Home?
  4. During yer date, does Bubba:
    1. Spray air freshener at you?
    2. Hold yer hand?
    3. Ask you to pull his finger?
  5. While driving, what music does Bubba play?
    1. "I Like Big Butts, I Cannot Lie" by Sir Mix-A-Lot
    2. "If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me" by Jimmy Buffett
    3. "Forever and Ever, Amen" by Randy Travis
  6. At the end of yer date, does Bubba:
    1. Shake yer hand and take off runnin'?
    2. Kiss you real big?
    3. Slow his truck down to 10mph before shoving you out the door?
  7. On special occasions (like yer birthday, anniversary, or the start of NASCAR season), does Bubba:
    1. Stare blankly into his beer?
    2. Pick flowers from the side of the road and give them and an Elvis's Greatest Hits tape to you?
    3. Share his BBQ pork rinds during the play-offs?

he loves you not

Add up your points:

  1. a=0, b=2, c=5
  2. a=2, b=5, c=0
  3. a=2, b=5, c=0
  4. a=0, b=5, c=2
  5. a=2, b=0, c=5
  6. a=2, b=5, c=0
  7. a=0, b=5, c=2

If you score 0-7, then Bubba's love is about a quart low and he's definitely lost that lovin' feelin'.

If you score 8-14, then Bubba loves you about as much as he changes into clean drawers - every once in a while.

If you score 15-35, then Bubba's got that lovin' feelin' - he fell in a pile of you and got love all over hisself.

10 Tips to Rekindle Bubba's Love:

  1. Hide yer jumper cables then get him to jump you off
  2. Ask him to go motor oil shopping with you
  3. Learn to fry chicken and make it for him often
  4. Buy him pit road tickets at Talladega
  5. Two words: Apple Pie
  6. Two more words: Banana Puddin'
  7. Never beat him at bowling
  8. Never try to cook something better than his Momma
  9. Don't cut your hair
  10. Never criticize his favorite driver or his favorite football team

she loves ya

For You Fellers: Has Sweet Pea Lost Her lovin' feelin'? Well, let's find out!

  1. When you reach over to hold Sweet Pea's hand, does she:
    1. Spray you with pepper spray?
    2. Smile at you and pull your finger?
    3. Hold your hand?
  2. You see your girlfriend at the Dollar Store and when she notices you, does she:
    1. Wave and run up to give you a real big kiss?
    2. Call you over and get you to pay for her Red Man tobaccy and maxi pads?
    3. Quickly duck into the bathroom, dropping her sale items?
  3. During a romantic dinner at Red Lobster, does she:
    1. Pick her nose and thump the boogers at you?
    2. Order 2 lobsters from the front tank, wrap them in To Go boxes, then leave for a date?
    3. Talk about racin'?
  4. When Sweet Pea visits your trailer, and has to go to the bathroom, does she:
    1. Faint?
    2. Clean your sink and bring her own toilet paper?
    3. Call the law and get you arrested for cruelty to humans?
  5. While dating you, how does Sweet Pea wear her hair?
    1. Big and long
    2. Flat and greasy
    3. Short or bald
  6. When you visit Sweet Pea's home, does she:
    1. Clean house real nice, put the TV channel on CMT, and set out beer and cheese doodles?
    2. Keep up pictures of old boyfriends, hide the beer, and invite her Momma over?
    3. Answer the door naked?
  7. While riding in yer truck, does Sweet Pea:
    1. Complain about the mud, bug guts, air conditioning, and gun rack?
    2. Snuggle up next to you and help shift gears?
    3. Sing along to the radio and spit tobaccy juice on the floor board?

Add up your points:

  1. a=0, b=2, c=5
  2. a=5, b=2, c=0
  3. a=2, b=0, c=5
  4. a=2, b=5, c=0
  5. a=5, b=2, c=0
  6. a=2, b=0, c=5
  7. a=0, b=5, c=2

she loves ya not

If you score 0-7, then Sweet Pea's lookin' for love - but not around you and she's lost that lovin' feelin'.

If you score 8-14, then Sweet Pea might shave her legs for you and she might not.

If you score 15-35, then Sweet Pea loves you almost more than hairspray.

10 Tips to Rekindle Sweet Pea's Love:

  1. Give her flowers, any time, all the time
  2. Bait her hooks and tie her flies when y'all go fishin'
  3. Never compare her to yer Momma
  4. She never farts, burps, or sweats - even if she does, she don't
  5. Bathe more than a couple of times a week
  6. John Deere truckin' caps can turn a girl's head
  7. Buy her a T-shirt with her favorite driver on it
  8. Not everybody likes Jerry Springer, once in a while watch Oprah with her
  9. Tell her she's pretty even if she ain't
  10. Chocolate is nice, but pit road tickets to the dirt track go further

Please do not reproduce, reprint, or distribute, either in print or electronically, the works either on this page or any of my other pages without explicit written permission from the author.


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Last Revised - 07/30/16
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