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Gertie Elaborates on Lovin'

Breakin' up? Comin' together? Goin' out? Wantin' to go out but you ain't got nobody to go with? What music do you put on to get in or get out of the that lovin' mood? Keep on readin', cuz Gert's got help!

Dear Gertie,

I heard that you was giving advice about lovin', so I thought I'd share some pro boner advice cuz I been married four times and I know all the rules.

If you are having marital problems & it looks like divorce in the future. Here's some tips I learned after my 3rd husband.

  • Remember in the divorce settlement always get the (1) dog(s), truck & trailer.
  • Don't try to keep any mementos of him. Toss out those overalls & long johns, but keep the flannel shirts. They are great for sleeping in, but be sure to wash them first. That way your next serious bed guest will never know who wore them.
  • Don't fight over the little, trivial things like who gets Mama. She goes with the rocker.
  • Keep the good cookware. It's expensive to replace cast iron.
  • Give him his naugahyde recliner. You got another one on the porch. Be generous.
  • And be sure to get your own dentures. My last ex picked up my mason jar by mistake and it took me 6 months to get them back.

Cuzin Lo'Reeta

Hidy Lo'Reeta,

As always, you give danged good advice - especially 'bout the flannel shirts. Thanks!

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Earl and me is about to break up cuz we don't get along no more. What music should I play on the 8-track to soothe my heart?

Ruth

Dear Ruth,

If you have Earl in the pick up with ya, try playing these:

  • "All I Want From You (Is Away)", or
  • "I Don't Think My Heart Can Stand Another You", or even
  • "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?"

If you're by yourself, I suggest you to go shopping at the Wal*Mart to lift yer spirits. On your way to get something chocolate, listen to:

  • "I'd Rather Pass a Kidney Stone than Another Night with You",
  • "You're a Hard Dog to Keep Under the porch"
  • "I Keep Forgettin' I Forgot About You", and
  • "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better".

There's always my favorite, "I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself or Go Bowling." Of course, going bowling is much better than havin' Earl around any day, child. Heck, even the shoes smell better.

Dear Gertie,

Can you hep me? My sweetie just got out of the county "vocation" recreation center. She was on a 6 mon. job training program. Now she's up & changed. She used to have 'nough dips & curves to fill a pork barrel slap full. Now shes chopping her Prissilly Presley hairdo off & is bench pressing with my wheelbarrow. And she just don't take crap off anyone no more, especially me. I just want my 'lil Pressie back. Last night we went over to the our favorite honkey tonk, the Dew Right by Me and she was ogling the waitress. What am I gonna do?
Ernie

Dear Ernie,

Well maybe your sweet little Prissilly is explorin' her masculine side. Why don't you let her drive your tractor and herd up the cows this weekend? Shoot, it wouldn't hurt to even let her lead when y'all slow dance. Don't worry, I'm sure you can rekindle the romance by instructin' her how to seductively belch "Red Necks, White Socks, and Blue Ribbon Beer."

Dear Gravel Gertie,

I don't deserve Darla. She's so purty and she bakes the best red velvet cakes. I'm a good fer nuthin' jerk cuz I been seein' Berneace up behind the shed after takin' Darla home from church on Wednesdays. I done told Berneace to stop wearin' them jezebel-like skirts and I ain't gonna see her no more. I swear. Should I fess up and tell Darla about what all I been doing?

Daggum Daryl

Dear Daggum Daryl,

Yup, you're a real turd. You need to take Darla out to a real nice restaurant, you know, Cracker Barrel or Waffle House, and get down on your bended knee and sing "I Fell in a Pile of You and Got Love all Over Me" and, "I'm Havin' Daydreams About Night Things in the Middle of the Afternoon," and maybe even "I've Got the Hungries for Your Love and I'm Waiting in your Welfare Line." Don't you go backsliding now, Daryl. Just think of those luscious red velvet cakes.

Dear Gertie,

I found out Daryl's been cheatin' on me. Should I dump him? How should I cut him loose? He always smelled funny anyhow.

Darla

Hi Darla,

Cheating is a serious thing. Find out why he was cheating, but dump him anyway. Also you might give him a parting gift of deodorant soap. How to dump him? Well that's easy. Give him back his duct tape and tell him to hit the road.

I'm in a musical mood, so I'm gonna recommend some good listening music for ya:

  • "Did I Shave My Legs for This?"
  • "I May Be Used (But Baby I Ain't Used Up)"
  • "If I Can't Be Number One in Your Life, Then Number Two On You!"
  • "If the Phone Don't Ring, Baby, Then You'll Know It's Me"

Be strong but don't get even (unless you don't get caught).

Hey Gertie,

Now listen up. I ain't got no story 'bout breakin' up er cheatin' er nuthun' like 'at, but I do know this. When ya wanna git sumpin fer Valentines Day that YOU want, not what the ole' man wants to git fer ya, tell --------better yet, show it to yer kids and let 'em werk on the ole' man. This worked fer me this year. I told both 'em boys I got sumpin diffrnt and I got 'em both!!! Now, there ya have it. Use them thar kids to get whatcha want. I do so love my Dale Earnhardt throw rug and purty porcelain bacon grease holder!

Down in upper LA,
Thelma Loo

Hidy Thelma!

Those are some really good pointers! I think I might just try that approach to see if I can Clyde to get me my own Earnhardt throw rug!

Dear Gert,

I can't get a date for nuthin. Momma said I need to stop seein' married women, but I can't help it. Hey, you got plans fer this Saturday?

Wilbur

Uh Wilbur,

I think my dear one, Clyde, and his 350 pounds of lovin' fury might notice my side of the pick up was empty when he goes down for the hog biddin'. No offense, now. As far as finding a date, I suggest you go trawlin' and get your own wife and that way you'd be courtin' you a woman you done got a license for. Also, it'd probably be in your best interest to take a turpentine bath after your date, too. Just to be safe.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

I finally got a date with Walter! He's taking me out to the Red Lobster for a real nice supper. I'm so nervous! What do I wear?

Sharlene

Dear Sharlene,

Congratulations Sharlene! Woo hoo! Since it's your first date, you don't want to look too needy. Try wearing something comfortable yet stylish like those faded jeans, cowboy boots, and that shiny blue-silvery polyester shirt with the horseshoes. Yes, wear a bra. Why be sleazy when you can be spicy? Also put your can of Skoal in your left back pocket so that when your date is checking out the merchandise, he'll see your good taste too. Now myself, I always wore my lucky Dodge Racing hat when I went on a date. Of course, this might backfire if your date is a Ford fan. In that case, dump him and find a feller that pulls for ANYBODY but a Ford driver.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

I finally got out of the Georgia Big House. That crooked Sheriff got me arrested for ... never mind, but it's been fifteen long years since I took a woman out on the town. Got any pointers on corralling a beauty?

Franklin from Folsom

Dear Franklin,

Go slow and easy, bubba. I imagine you ain't paid too much attention to personal hygiene lately so let me give you some pointers:

  • Do bathe at least three times a week and try to wear deodorant.
  • Do try to get most of the dandruff off of your shoulders
  • Do blow your nose - green hangy-down boogers ain't sexy.
  • Do brush your teeth (dentures?) at least once a day and carry breath mints with you - bad breath is a bad death to a good time.
  • Don't burp/fart/sneeze/cough/sniff too loud - it's a turn off for most women. Definitely don't sniff after you fart loud.

Now as far as date etiquette goes, try these tips:

  • Don't clean your ears with your keys then offer them to her. Offer her the keys first.
  • Do open the car door, bathroom door, trailer door, and oven door for her.
  • Don't open the bathroom stall door for her.
  • Do compliment her outfit and hair, but don't say, "Wow, you can't see your panty lines in those pants!"
  • Don't ogle at the waitresses - your date might get the wrong idea, oh, and eat with a fork - it's allowed now.
  • Do show her all those fancy dance steps you learned in prison - she will be impressed.
  • Don't show all your tattoos all at once. Save some for another date.

I hope these tips help!

Dear Gert,

I've been dating Floyd for about two months now. I've been to his trailer bunches of times for supper and, you know, other stuff. He's just a pig - I tell ya. I don't think his commode's ever been scrubbed. How can I respect a man that don't clean his toilet?

Pauline

Dear Pauline,

You sound young and I hate to tell you this but 99.9% of men are pigs, baby. They don't know many things we womenfolk do, stuff like:

  • Sheets actually get dirty and need washing a couple of times a year
  • They have scrubbers for toilets and there is a substance called "toilet cleaner" freely available and cheaply priced
  • Toilet paper holders are refillable
  • Shower curtains can actually be cleaned and not just thrown away when the mold and scum gets an inch or so thick
  • Milk jugs are resealable

Sorry about that honey, but life is give and take. It all works out in the end, though. We women need men to carry out the garbage, kill the spiders, buy the duct tape, and open the pickle jars. This I know.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Momma don't like my newest girlfriend, Thelma. Momma said Thelma ain't got all her teeth so she ain't good enough for me. It's real uncomfortable when Thelma comes to visit, cuz Momma sits on the couch on the front porch spittin' tobaccy and polishing her .38. Dang, the least she could do is offer Thelma a dip. Should I walk down the road to meet Thelma?

Dewayne

Dear Dewayne,

Your momma loves you and wants you to have what's best: a carbon copy of herself. Besides, as long as you live with your momma, she's gonna get in your business. I suggest you get your cousin to help you rebuild that '78 Chevy so that you can pick up Thelma in your own car. Plus, if Thelma has her own truck, I imagine she has her own dip. Speakin' for myself, tobaccy is a personal thang you don't want to go sharin' - unless it's someone REAL special.



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