Gravel Gertie Mediates on Mother's Day

What should you buy? What should you do? Where should you go?

I got the answers for you!

Dear Gravel Gertie,

My Mama has everything. She really likes those fancy little smelling candles, so I thought she'd like it if I made her some for Mother's Day. Besides, she really needs them because the disposal in her sink don't work right and it stinks. Have any recipes?


Dear Brooke,

Get the following ingredients from your local Wal-mart and/or craft store: Double boiler, Wax, Wicks, Molds or containers, Dyes, Oil, Scent, and Newspapers. Make sure you pick out a nice scent for your momma. Pine, bacon grease, rose, and leather are some popular choices (since she's got a stinky sink, I'd go for the pine scent). Next, lightly coat your mold with oil. Melt your wax over a low heat, and add any dyes and scents that you want to use. Put the wick in the mold the best you can (hey, I'm not Martha Stewart here, figger it out yerself). Pour the wax into mold, and let the wax sit for at least eight hours. Top off the mold after it has settled and leave to harden. Remove the candle from the mold, trim the wick and burn. Oh, and do me a favor, don't pour the melted wax down the drain. Trust me on this one.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Can I just take my momma out for supper instead of having to buy her something?


Dear George,

Sure you can! Just don't take her to the deli at the K-mart.

Dear Gertie,

Ma's been in jail for the past ten years or so. Ya reckon she'd really want anything for Mother's Day?


Dear Harold,

Yup, you bet. She'd probably like some cigarettes and smuggled-in Night Train. Her partial plate probably could be replaced too. Flowers are nice, but in prison they don't amount to much. Better stick to the contraband or the choppers.

Dear Gert,

My wife is pregnant. Should I get her something for mother's day?


Dear Ralph,

Yes! She's got your baby rolling around in her belly, so you might as well get her something to go with it! If she's in her first trimester, get her lots of toilet paper (for those frequent trips to the potty) and some cinnamon spray so that she can spray stuff that makes her sick. If she's in her second trimester, get her four or five bags of M&Ms and Oreos. If she's in her third trimester, get her some antacids and a big comfortable pillow.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

My kids are the most unthankful critters ever. I work all day and slave for them good-fer-nuthin in-grates and they don't ever tell me thank-you-kiss-my-butt-er-nuthin. Is it too much to ask for a small token of appreciation just once a year? My laws, I bleed for these heathens and they just step over my twitching body. They never ask about my hemorrhoids, or my arthritis, or even what happened on Jerry Springer ... oh no. That's fine. I don't need them. I'll be OK.

Mama Pearl

Dear Mama Pearl,

Not many younguns appreciate ol' Jerry or how your joints (and backside) can pain ya so. Bless yer heart. Just continue to remind them of the stylishly decorated double-wide on yesterday's Jerry Springer show and offer to show them your hurt-a-rhoids. Be strong. Heck, send a letter to Jerry Springer and suggest that you and your good-fer-nuthin kids should be on the show.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

I ain't got no money. What can I get my momma? She's a kind-hearted soul and I want to make her feel special.


Dear Bud,

God bless ya, darlin'. All you have to do is be there for her. Tell her how pretty she looks when she takes the rollers out of her hair. Cook her supper for her and give her an extra helping of applesauce. Pick a bouquet of wild flowers (make sure you shake off the bugs first) and talk to her about younger days. Your sweet momma will appreciate the time and attention that you give her.

Dear Gert,

My wife insists on receiving a gift from me on Mother's Day. We have no kids, except for her pot-bellied pig, Pauline. What can I do?


Dear Paul,

Your sweet wife adores that 400 pound porker. Hell far, you're only 150 pounds lighter and she loves you more. I wouldn't hurt you to get her a card would it?

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Last year I got Momma a toilet seat for Mother's Day. She's done gone and broke it. Should I get her another one? Is it OK to get the same gift two years in a row?


Dear Wayne,

Naw, it won't hurt to get the same gift two years in a row. I bet your momma just loved that toilet seat. Maybe you should try a different brand this year. I really like those squishy potty seats. They make my tushie feel all cushie. Your momma'd love it. You might also offer her some of that handy colon cleanser. Maybe if she had a cleaner colon, she wouldn't be putting so much pressure on the crapper.

Dear Gravel Gert,

We have six kids aged 10 and under. This year my wife put her foot down and said if I didn't get her something for Mother's Day, she was gonna whup me up side the head and then go to her momma's. She ain't my mother! Why should I get her something?


Dear Robert,

I have to side with your wife on this one. Sure she ain't your momma, but she's done gone and birthed six of your babies! The minimum you could do is cook her a decent breakfast, do the daggum dishes, get her some flowers, and sign a nice card. If you don't do at least that, I can promise that Wifey will make sure you don't have any more babies. Period.

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