Martha Stewart may be "Living" but when the holidays roll around for me, I call it "Havin' a Big Time!" I got together with my cousin Beulah in Hot-lanta (pictured there on the left sampling some hooch). She lives out there in the big city and has all kinds of fancy SOPHISTICATED idears!

• Pick muscadines and scuppernongs and put up a batch or two of wine.

All through November:

• Start saving Sunday papers and clip coupons for those purty floral moo-moos, leopard print house dresses, saddle bags, vinyl loafing shoes, gardening gloves, and curlers. Order as many as you can afford.
• Start saving up the funny papers to wrap gifts.
• Stock up on liquor. Mad Dog 20/20 and some Jack Daniels'll do fine for the fruitcakes (both the baked and the half-baked varieties).
• Around Thanksgiving time, get the husband to crawl on top of the house and make sure all the Christmas lights still work.

• Start making them handmade gifts. Check out my gift-giving and crafting page for idears.
• Now's the time to bake up a batch of fruitcakes. Don't forget to "feed" them that liquor you stashed.
• Head down to K-mart and Wal-Mart and stock up on: tape and more Christmas lights (to decorate any additional vehicles on blocks in the yard your husband has in acquired this year).
• Plant your plastic flowers around the mailbox so you will have that added color in your yard for winter -- buy extra to decorate those special gifts.

• Dig around in the attic and pull out all your decorations from last year. Dust them off really good.
• Decorate! Put up your aluminum tree and set out your fake poinsettias next to the couch on the front porch. Hang your mistletoe above the bathroom door (you can't help but nailin' em for a smoochy there), and carefully place those gorgeous ceramic Elvis-wearing-holly Christmas candlesticks on the table.
• For that extra special holiday touch, don't forget -- take your pick -- to outline a Confederate flag with Christmas lights on the roof, or Putting Christmas lights up showing the number of your favorite NASCAR driver.

• Been wondering what to do with that old Cutlass in the yard -- the one that ain't got no engine? Turn that eyesore into a focal point. All you gotta do is raise the hood, fill with poinsettias, and cover the car in beautiful blue twinkle lights. It'll make you cry.
• Pull out that stuffed raccoon that Uncle Eustice gave you when you were ten and put it between the Elvis candlesticks. You might have to replace one of the eyes.

• Don't forget the twinkle lights on your deer antlers -- also why not turn those deer heads into reindeer by adding Santa hats, and a red pop on clown nose?
• Wrap presents using the backing from rolls of tape for gift tags. You could also unravel toilet paper tubes, wrapping paper tubes, and paper towel tubes and tie them up real purty for bows.
• Have Vienna Sausages, squirt cheese, and Yoo Hoos ready for carolers
• Decide on what holiday design you want on your paper plates. Also decide if you want to go all out and buy napkins instead of using paper towels this year.

• Finish up your shopping and wrapping. Keep in mind that Wal-mart's open all night!
• Last minute gift ideas: Cup holders that attach to your sofa, don't forget magazine subscriptions -- Star, National Enquirer, Popular Mechanics, Soap Opera Digest, to name some favorites.
• Get out the good Mason jars for your muscadine wine. Don't forget to stash some wine in your bathroom pantry (for emergencies).
• Buy food for supper (don't forget your coupons!), but wait until a couple of days before Christmas to buy the perishables like milk, sour cream, and Cheez Whiz.
• Get out the plastic lawn chairs, vinyl place settings, and GOOD plastic tablecloth. You might need to spread out the tablecloth so that those durned wrinkles ain't so bad.

• Put on your Elvis "Blue Christmas" music and sip your muscadine wine while you watch the young'uns open presents and look for Santa.

• Be a good host - set out clippers in the bathroom for those awful mole hairs so that no one is offended during those holiday hugs.
• For special eats try Aunt Essie's rum cake - the secret to this cake is to make it with rum extract, but then soak it in moonshine. It's cheaper and more potent than the traditional variety. Two words of warning, hide it from grandma unless you want a repeat of last year when Grandma did that table dance in front of the preacher. Also, remember to not set it too near the stove. Aunt Weez forgot this particular warning last year and the fire plum ruined her new NASCAR potholders.
• Set the almost-empty squirt butter next to Cousin Frank so that he can butter his taters every time he needs to float an air biscuit.
• Bag up the garbage, but put it inside the garage so that the hounds (or Aunt Sara) don't get into it.

• Save all forms of bows, no matter if they're squished or not. This is the law.
• Hose off the tablecloth and lawn chairs.
• Purchase cold beer for New Year's Eve.
• Plan a hors d'whatever menu for New Year's Eve including cocktail weiners and barbecue sauce, Cheez Whiz and crackers, little corn dogs, and Vienna Sausages. See Beulah's Fancy Recipes below for more idears.

New Year's Eve:

• Have a big ol' time! Don't forget the bicarbonate of soda!
• Don't forget to sniff the cap after you open the wine - Beulah said so.

• Let's see -- Catfish paté served with Ritz crackers since it's a festive occasion, soda crackers just won't do. Pan fry the catfish in bacon grease (need the bacon grease for added flavor). In blender mix cooked catfish, cream cheese and Tabasco sauce. Form into square, decorate with sardines.
• Beulah's High on the Hog Christmas ham -- take a canned ham, cut a pretty diamond shape all over, coat with a mixture of orange marmalade & Wild Turkey. Decorate with red hots candy. Bake at 375 degrees for 1 hour. The red hots will melt and give the ham a pretty red color.
• In memory of The King (Elvis that is) peanut butter & bacon finger sandwiches. Spread thick coat of peanut butter on good white bread. Top each slice with 3 slices of bacon, top with another piece white bread. Cut off crusts, and then cut out with holiday cookie cutters. I personally do these with a star cookie cutter cause there ain't no bigger star than The King.

Got a question? Email Gertie!

Click here to subscribe to Gravel Gertie's reminder!