Gravel Gertie Pontificates Politics!

With the election so close, bunches of y'all have been givin' me a fit about what these durned politicians are doin'. Not that I know what they're up to, I shore-nuff have something to say about it!

Dear Gravel Gertie,

What do you think of Ralph Nader?

Green Freak in Wisconsin

Dear Mr. Freak, I've read that Nader's ads are meant to appeal to independents, former supporters of Republican candidate John McCain, and "disgruntled Democrats'' who might otherwise sit out the election. As far as myself, ol' Nader has warned me of real crucial stuff like flippin' my Suzuki Samarai, avoiding rear end collisions with Ford Pintos, and how wonderful a Magic Chef stove can be. He seems to have all the answers, I just hope he can keep his britches up.

Dear Gertie,

What do you think about all this bombing going on?

Kendra in Sarasota

Kendra, butter my butt and call me a biscuit! They are dropping bombs over on the other side of the world. We just cannot allow terrorists to kill our own more than we can allow our kids to run amok in the lamp and lighting department of Wal-mart. You can bet your banana moon pie that those terrorists won't stop just as sure as you know the toilet will stop up when you poop. I realize that tryin' to capture terrorists is like herdin' cats, so we need to be vigilant and on the lookout for suspicious fellers. If we find any, we should lock them up in the Corn Crib, feed them pork rinds, and force them to mud wrestle with Aunt Bonnie. With any luck those fools will soon be runnin' like their feet are on fire and their butts were catchin'!

Dear Gravel Gertie,

What did you think about the timing of Clinton's bombing Saddam and the impeachment vote?

Andrew in Chicago

Hidy Andrew, funny you should ask -- I have strong opinions on this. As far as the timing of the attack and the impeachment vote go, I can only say that every now and then, even a blind pig finds an acorn. This White House impeachment business was hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch on the television, and Clinton's been busier than a cat covering up crap on marble tryin' to win our approval back. His actions were uglier than a lard bucket filled with armpits and when he tells us that he "categorically" denies what he did, well, all I can say is: my cow died last night, Mister President, so I don't need your bull.

Dear Gertie,

What do you think of gun control?

Terri in Titusville

Hiya Terri! Boy that's a stinker of a question. I reckon you'd have to say that I have leanings toward both sides. On one side, if there were too many restrictions on guns, then I wouldn't be able to shoot them danged feral dogs that keep killing my rabbits, have squirrel gravy on Sundays, or eat venison during the winter. And on the other hand, if guns weren't so easy to get, then punks wouldn't be holding up sweet little old ladies in the Winn Dixie parking lot.

Hi Gert,

You just have to tell us in Cleveland what you thought about the Monica Lewinsky scandal. Please?
Citizens in Cleveland

Hi Y'all! Well, when I read in the newspaper where Monica Lewinsky turned over a dress that she says was stained from an encounter with the president, I felt sick at my stomach, but I had a few questions, too.

  1. The dress was stained with what? Drool? Dark brown Mexican food gaseous fumes? Apple sauce? Billy Beer? Or could it possibly be a bodily liquid that the news media was actually showing some first-time restraint on?
  2. If the stain was uh, YOU KNOW, do you mean to tell me that Monica didn't run home and immediately wash the dress?
  3. Why was Monica saving the dress? To show her grandkids some day? For public appearances with Jessica Hahn? To add to her "Dead President Fingernail Clippings" and "Past Speakers of the House Discarded Toiletry Items" collections?
  4. How did she save the dress? In the refrigerator? The freezer? In her closet in a Ziplock baggie next to the moth balls?
  5. I mean .... SHE DIDN'T WASH THE DRESS?!?!?!?! Shooo we nasty.

What's this world coming to? I was fired up at the gummit, and the media coverage of that scandal of our commander in chief. I am so tired of this intense coverage of Billy-Bob-Can't-Keep-It-In-My-Britches-Clinton that I could just spit. I swear! I am just waiting on Junior come up to me and say, "Mommuh, does Daddy have oral sex?"

A while back, I just freaked out when I saw the very clean-cut Peter Jennings go into an intimate and detailed definition of oral sex and if it is true adultery or not. This is the nightly news! GEE, I REALLY CARE ABOUT WEE WILLIE'S WEENKIE! If our gummit is too lazy to kick his butt out of office, then they should send him down to some primitive Baptist church in the Deep South and see if Come-And-Get-It-Clinton gets bitten by "Old Nellie" the rattlesnake. If he does get bit, then the Old Widow Geraldine (all three hundred and fifty pounds of her and her mustache too) could tend to Slick Willie's wounds. If he survives the bite and all the lovin', then he just might be a changed man. But them, maybe not.

In my humble opinion, President "I-got-you-something-right-here" ought to be chased out of office with a stick, and Gore needs to be sent back to the farm in Tennessee. (Hardly nobody in South likes that old egg-sucker, anyways.) Shoot. Look at what happened to poor old Tricky Dick (Nixon), all he did was spy and he got kicked out! Only in America, do you have the leaders showing their collective hindquarters (and front-quarters, for that matter!) and the media to report every lurid detail.

The sad part is that what Wild-Bill-Gimme-Summa-That was doing to those White House aides, is what he was REALLY doing to his daggum country.

As far as the dress goes, I can't reason a guess why Monica would have such an interesting article of clothing in her possession, but perhaps she's a lot smarter than we all think. That, or she needs a good dry cleaner reference that can remove stubborn stains. I'm surprised that Tide or Surf hasn't offered to help fund Monica's defense. Go figger.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Who are you voting for?

Boo-Boo in Brunswick

Dear Boo-Boo, it's hard -- kinda like choosing between a rattlesnake and a copperhead. When it gets down to it, I have a bad taste (pun intended) about them democrats. Hey, is it just me, or does Gore look like he's wearing rouge? And have you noticed that Bush grins too much?

Dear Gertie,

On Election Day, my brother calls and offers me a ride down to the polling booth. I love my brother, but during the whole trip, he rambles on about a certain politician and how I should vote for him. Since he's driving me down there, should I vote the way he wants me to?

Ruth in Red Clay

Dear Ruth, if you don't have a clue of what the issues in the election are, then perhaps you should listen to your brother. Of course, you might be beholden to him if he helps you out by killin' the snakes under your trailer, and cutting your grass when you caught the runs this summer. In the end, vote what's best for you -- you're alone in that booth, so follow what you believe, sugar. That way, you feel better all around.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

My husband says that no one should vote unless they are drunk. I say he's wrong. What do you think?

Mary in Pittsburgh

Dear Mary, tell him he gets what he paid for, especially if he voted for Clinton.

Dear Gravel Gertie,

Why is it that when Bush mentioned Jesus, the media jumped on him like flies on a cow pie, but when Lieberman was chosen as Gore's running mate, the media cheered for his Jewishness?

Befuddled in Leeds

Dear Befuddled, good question! Apparently, the media frowns on certain religions, or perhaps they have already chosen their favorite presidential nominee. I wonder why they haven't made fun of Gore's Tennessee Baptist roots yet? I reckon it's taboo to poke fun at your favorite child -- well, until he's elected, that is.

Dear Gertie,

Is Bush's running mate the guy that played in the movies The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Phantom of the Opera, and The Unknown?

Paul in Philly

Dear Paul, no, honey. Bush's running mate is Dick Cheney, not Lon Chaney. One's dead, and the other just looks dead.

Dear Gertie,

Do you think anyone was brainwashed by the republican's subliminal ad from a month or so ago?

Starla in Scottsboro

Dear Starla, I don't know but I am suddenly very hungry for popcorn and want a Coke.

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Revised - 10/25/00