Gravel Gertie's Talkin' Sex!

I've put this off as long as I could, but y'all have a bunch of questions that need my help, so here's my advice regardin' the horizontal hula.

Dear Gertie,

Since me and Bob have been parents, we don't get no time for bein' alone. How can we keep our intam … initim … cuddling time?

Jeanne in Jasper

Dear Jeanne, boy don't I know how you feel. Even when you shut the door for some privacy, some youngun will blast it open wanting to know if there is any Froot Loops up in the cupboard. Shutting the door when you never used to shut it is just asking for trouble. I have a cousin in Georgia that was tired of being interrupted, so she hollered to her (older) kids, "When you see that door shut, it means we're havin' sex! Don't come in!" A'course this won't work for everyone.

What some folks do to enjoy each other's company in a special way is to wait until after the kidlets have gone to sleep. Of course, this interferes with your own sleep time, so you have to make a trade off. Sometimes, getting sleep is more important to me than doing "it."

Hiya Gertie,

Every Thursday night, the girls and I go bowling. Amidst the strikes, hollering, and eatin' corndogs, the subject of sex always rears its ugly head. The bad part is when Betty starts in on how sexy Bernard is when he dresses up like Barney Fife for her. She tells us a tad more that we want to hear. What can I do? The part about shooting his gun gets me every time.

Tracy in Thomasville

Hi Tracy! Ol' Fife is sexy in his own way, but I can understand when it interferes with your bowling. You don't want to hurt Betty's feelings, and I imagine braggin' on Ernie's "gun" brings her great joy. You could always start coughing or sneezing and then get out of Betty's voice range when the Fife story turns ugly. Bowling and sex talk? I get the willies just thinking about it.

Dear Gertie,

My husband and I have finally decided to have a baby, but I just can't seem to want to "do it" on demand (if ya know what I mean). Any tips? Gerald is always randy, I ain't.

Alma from Arkansas

Hi Alma. Hmm, that's a predicament cuz you have to put the RECREATION in procreation, yanno? Even though you have just a day or two of fertility in your cycle, try to keep your sense of spontaneity on the where and how. Sniff his Brut aftershave lotion and ask him to wear his clean drawers to bed. It works for me.

Dear Gertie,

How can I get Mike from wanting me when it's "that time" of the month without insulting him? I don't feel sexy and I want him to leave me alone!

Merlene in Maylene

Dear Merlene, start with the "I have a headache speech" first. If Mike still doesn't get it, then just plan on eating beans for supper and pulling the covers over his head after you let one go.

Hi Gertie,

It seems like every time my husband is in the mood, I have a touch of gas. What can I do?

Gay in Irondale

Hi Gay! Some folks just are more flatulent than other folks. I have found that some folks actually get gas when they "get in the mood". Try some hot decaffeinated tea an hour before you think you might get lucky -- it breaks up the bubbles. (It works the in same way as when your coffee "kicks in" in the mornings.) Also, you can't go wrong with the delightfully chewy, Gas-X® pills.

Gert,

My wife only gets turned on when I watch football. What's the deal?

Ralph from Ellijay

Poor Ralph! Your sweet wife is just feeling neglected. Utilize those timeouts and halftime commercials wisely - don't you dare comment on the hilarity of the beer advertisement while bumpin' uglies. Trust me on this one.

Dear Gertie,

My buddies from the beer joint gived me a gal for last satiddy night. Well, things were gettin' hotter than a rat killin', when all of a sudden, I nibbleded on her purty neck. Well, Gertie, that gal farted and flew right out the winder !!! Never did find her, tho the dogs had a buncha plastic in thayer pen what I couldnt idan..ider...couldnt tell what hit was. Did I do somethin wrong?

Yewer frend, Tony in North Carolina

Dear Tony, I don't know how 'hot' rat killins get, but it shore does sound fun! Anyway, it sounds as if your nibbling was more like gnawing, and you might just need to shave more than once a week. Some women are quite delicate and don't appreciate nibbles on their necks. There's been a rash of UFO sightings up there in North Carolina, so maybe your girlfriend was an alien. Them federal folks say that farting and flying out the window is a good symptom of being an alien (not just fartin' and stayin' in the car, sugar, there's a difference). Hmm … that plastic in the dog pen? That might've been left over from her spacecraft. You better be thanking the Lord that you didn't get abducted!