Gravel Gertie's Waxin' Poetic-like

I had a reader email me the following note:

Dear Gertie,

I've been crocheting some hats for toilet paper rolls (Placed on the back of the toilet for emergencies) to give as gifts to friends and family, but I am having a problem remembering the poem that she pinned on the side of the hat with a hat pin.... Something like "Just lift off the hat, and that will be that" referring to the likelihood of becoming "stranded on the toilet bowl"...Would you happen to know the entire limerick to this? My grandma did, but she died and we haven't been able to find it anywhere.
Thank you, Melody

I'm not a poetic person, although I do enjoy a good rhyme every now and then, so I contacted the funniest folks on the web, The Net Wits and they had all kinds of moving latrine limericks!

First off, Ian offered this advice about the limerick in question: "That's an old Norse limerick stemming from a time before toilet paper -- way back when the Vikings utilized their fur caps for that purpose. It faded from history though, as did the Vikings, shortly after they added the horns."

Valerie told me, "Gert, I don't know of a limerick, but the tune 'Stranded' is a children's poetic classic. It's a parody of the "Branded" verse from the old TV show 'Have Gun Will Travel' and was eventually put into song by the Red Hot Chili Peppers."

Stranded
Stranded on a toilet bowl
Stranded
Stranded
Stranded on a toilet bowl
What do you do when you're stranded
And there ain't nothing on the roll?
To prove you're a man
You must wipe it with your hand
Stranded
Stranded on a toilet bowl!

Lordy, that done moved me to tears. How touching.

Marie sent in these two beautiful suggestions:

There was once a man with an issue
He had run out of his toilet tissue
He leaped from the throne
but was all alone
He said, honey, for once I do missue

And,

King Cole, as he sat on his throne
Thought he liked being alone
Relieved, he then saw
he had nothing in paw
He groaned a desperate moan

Marie done has a gift, don't she?

Dave Walter dug deep into his psyche and wrote this:

There once was a fellow named Chuck
Who happened one day to get stuck
On the porcelain throne
When the T. P. was gone
So he used his own hand for the muck.

Dave honey, I can't wait to share this one with the guys down at the gas station.

Blanch, the Saucy Chick wrote me, "Gertie, of course I have not heard of such a limerick, but I can make one up. Writing a toilet-related limerick will be a huge step up from what I've been doing all month."

You came to the bathroom and sat.
In time, "No paper!" you spat.
Stranded on the bowl
Turn 'round, worried soul.
Just lift off the hat, and that'll be that.

I just can't believe how talented these folks are. I am purt'near surrounded by toilet geniuses.

My pal, Bertha Butt Cracks-Daily, confided to me, "Not exactly the bathroom type limerick you were looking for but here is one I have posted on my bathroom door."

The knock on the door means I'm waiting,
I'm standing here simply gyrating,
If you don't come out quick,
The floor will be slick,
And if the temperature drops - we'll be skating!!

I hope she has it written in that purty calligraphy with them little flowers all around it. That's a work of art, I tell ya.

Angela G. wrote:

I had to pee, the time was high
I was in a hurry, I can't lie
Alas there was no paper
So I lifted my butt and began to shake her
For now I will have to drip dry.

Mike Bay of Out of Thin (Cyber) Air wrote:

Cider Outhouse Rules

Ponderin's the thang ta do, when things do tend to annoy,
I gots a little place fer that, and readin' jokes in Playboy.

I takes a seat, it's always there, an' fits me like a glove,
and do what Nature bade me to; no, not tryin' to make love.

Ah read whar Gertie says to dress th' toilet paper roll
with somethin' quaint or cutesy, so's it ain't so bland and droll.

A toilet paper roll with hat, she sez will add pizzazz,
but any visitor that sees that thang well, me, jest prolly razz.

Ah guess it's best to leave things be, this place whar ah kin sit
and read and strain and do them thangs that causes me to ...

make them noises and stank.

Ah'm thinkin' this here's in real poor taste, if read by some with class,
if y'all's offended by this h'yar, well y'all kin kiss my ... ah ... grits.

My bud Disa offered these words of wisdom:

If you sprinkle
When you tinkle
Be a sweetie
Wipe the seatie

If there's no paper to wipe your butt
Sorry, honey, you're outta luck!

Melody wrote me back and said she found it! Way to go, girl! Here's the limerick:

When friends are coming to call
And supply is getting low on the wall
Just lift up the hat
And that will be that
You will find there'll be plenty for all.

She also sent me my very own toilet paper cover, see?

You know, after reading all of this hard work, I think I'll try my own limerick:

Momma crocheted with her yarn all year
Loopin' and sewin' nary sheddin' a tear
She done made a hat
For the toilet paper stack
For you to enjoy while you recycle your beer.

Or:

I dropped my load and now I must disembark
It's time for me to go cuz it's gettin' dark.
I see that the roll is empty, my heart is faint!
I need to wipe, but I just cain't.
Why should I worry about a big skid mark?

Hmm ... how 'bout:

I reached for the roll and wondered where it's at,
I looked over yunder and saw a crocheted hat.
"What the heck?" I wondered.
"Has all the toilet paper been plundered?"
And then I saw the note, "Just lift off the hat, and that'll be that."

One more (daggum, this is fun!):

After pinchin' a loaf, I wondered, "Hey!"
"What is that thang on the back of the toilet made of crochet?"
When I lifted the hat
A new roll there sat
Making me glad I didn't have to use the hay.

Well, ok. I'll stick to diggin' taters and givin' advice.

Got a toilet paper limerick? Email Gertie!

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Copyright © 2001, Gravel Gertie
Revised - 10/25/01
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