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Gertie Tells the Tale About Truck Hanky Panky

By: Gravel Gertie (Angela Gillaspie ©2001 - 2008)

There I was just doing my research for my next subject - them odious varmints called solicitors - when I got this here email:

Gertie,

I am a Yankee deserter. I moved to the South by choice. I love it down here in Georgia. I got me a new boyfriend and he likes to "do it" in the field in the truck. It makes him crazy. What is it about southern men and "getting some" in the old pick-up? Northern men tend to prefer beds or the couch or floor or shower....why?

Thank you.

Pam

What an interesting subject! I ain't never thought about it much, but ol' Pam has a point: Southern boys do like to get intimate in their trucks. It ain't just the single men either, married men also like to put a little Conway Twitty on the tape player and get down to some serious lovin' in the back of the pick-up.

Well, I put away my research on telemarketers and started thinking real deep about this truck hanky panky thang.

First off, speaking as a woman of the south, I have to admit riding next to my sweetie in his pick-up is a real exhilarating experience like the times I lovingly reach across the cab and brush the pork rind crumbs out of his moustache. Lookin' over at his handsome tanned face while the warm wind blows in through the winders carrying the scent of freshly cut grass and chicken poop - plus the humidity gluing my butt to the vinyl seat makes me feel ... well ... as wild as a peach orchard hog.

Just being in a pick-up gets you to feeling all tingly and stuff. Of course, I've found that not many Yankee folks feel this same way. One reason for this could be that not as many Yankee fellers drive pick-ups as Southern boys do. Now, I could write pages and pages about a Southern boy's love for his pick-up, but the simple reason pick-ups are so popular down here is because they are so versatile:

  • Pick-ups are affordable. (Heck, Aunt Jem got hers for under $200 last summer! She offered some of her canned corn and fresh tomatoes and got a great deal on her Chevy.)
  • Pick-ups can tote more *stuff than regular cars. (*Stuff like: wood, washing machines, Momma's relatives, kegs, couches, hay, garbage, hogs, etc.)
  • Speaking of garbage, the back of the pick-up is a built-in garbage can, all you do is just toss your empty co-coler cans and moon pie wrappers in the back and on weekends you just hose it out!
  • You can't have a decent tailgatin' experience without a pick-up!
  • Pick-ups are perfect for camping - you can sleep in the back and the skunks won't get in your sleeping bag - or your hair.
  • After hunting, where else would you put your kill?
  • The back of the pick-up is a great place to sell things like fresh produce, a cord of wood, or them Bee Gees 8-tracks.
  • You can carry the entire little league team down to the Dairy Queen.
  • Lay a tarp in the back, fill it with water, and you got yourself a swimming pool.
  • Now, where else would the dog ride?

There's lots more, but let's talk about those sentimental reasons Southern boys like pick-ups:

  • Daddy drove a pick-up.
  • Momma drove a pick-up.
  • The preacher drove a pick-up (and so did his daughter).
  • Many of us were conceived in a pick-up.
  • Great memories of riding in the back of Grandpa's pick-up when he went to the crossroads to buy cold beer on Sunday.
  • Their first date was in a pick-up.
  • That dirty-ghost-fart smell in the cab fondly reminds them of those weekends spent up in the hills ramp hunting. [Lordy, those were the days! Cousin Ev always made the purtiest bluish-orange flames when he lit his butt - he said he "farted" (instead of "bled") Auburn's orange and blue ... but that's another story.]

And that just scratches the surface.

I asked a few of my male buddies about doin' it in a truck and here's what a couple of them said:

  • Ben: "I have a truck. I have a very nice bed liner for the extra long bed. Making out in the great outdoors in the back of a pick-up, well hell, It's a Southern Man Thang. Them Yankees wouldn't understand."
  • Ian (a drunk Yankee): "I'll take it anyway I can get it! Pick-up, car, bicycle, wheelchair - you name it!"
  • Bob (a transplanted Yankee): "Let's see, in bed? Check. On the couch? Check. On the floor? Check. In the shower? Check. In the field? Hell, yeah but I did check for ticks. In the field in the truck ... uh thanks, but no thanks."
  • Jim (a Yankee): "It probably has something to do with the fact that motels in Yankee territory are actually cleaner than a truck. Guys in my neck of the woods tend not to put DEET on their genitals (that I know of), and that may contribute to the lack of vehicular tete-a-tetes as well. They figure the lack of spontaneity that an office copy room provides is better than getting Lyme disease because they had a deer tick attached to their ... uh ... deal."

It appears to me that Yankee boys might be afraid of getting' nekkid in the great outdoors. Heck, anybody could do it on the front porch couch, in the shower, and even on the supper table - just ask ol' Gertie, but outside parked in a big pasture in the back of a 4-by-4? Woof.

Just imagine the earthy aroma of cow manure wafting in on the gentle evening breeze, the hum of the cicadas soothing your soul as those Southern stars romantically outline the Craftsman® toolbox next to your lover's head.

Shoot, them daggum Yankee boys don't know what they're missing!



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