Gravel Gertie Celebrates Being a Woman!

From acne to zany undies, being a woman is the best!

Ms. Gertie,

My nails are all tored up frum workin' in the dirt. What can purty them up again?

Wanda from Whitfield

Hi Wanda! I know just how you feel. When my cuticles get rough, it really hurts the side of my nose when I have to dig out a whistling booger (doncha hate those?). Anyway, what to do? To fix your nails now, clip 'em short and file away the rough edges -- don't fret about the length because your nails grow about an eighth of an inch each month. At night, rub petroleum jelly or some mink oil (whatever moisturizer you have) into your nails and cuticles. To prevent chipped nails when you're grubbin' in the dirt, apply a coat of clear nail polish and wear heavy gloves!

Gertie,

What do you recommend as an aphrodisiac?

Winnie in West Virginia

Dear Winnie, hmm, that's a good question. It all depends on the man. If the object of your affection is under 25 years old, then stuff your bra and smell like beer. Most of those kids like two things: boobs and beer (not necessarily in that order either). For the older male, the best all-around aphrodisiac I've found is apple pie. While your apple pie is baking, bring all your sexy clothes out and set them on the counter so that they can absorb the apple-cinnamony smell. If you're in a pinch, just stuff your bra. Now, once you get his attention, make sure you know what to do with it! (There's toilets to be adjusted and bugs to be killed!)

Dear Gertrude,

When I shave my legs, I always miss those little hairs around my ankle. What can I do?

Samantha from Savannah

Dear Samantha, I have the same problem, darlin' (when I shave my legs -- 'bout twice a month). You miss those hairs because you are in too much of a hurry. If you take your sweet time shaving your ankles, then you'll most likely get all them boogers down yunder. You could bleach your ankle hair by using those hair-bleaching products for sale at the beauty supply store. Or, if you're into pain, use those waxing kits they have at Wal-mart. Keep in mind that you're probably the only person that notices those hairs any way.

Gertie,

My panty lines show through my polyester pants and it's too hot to wear panty hose. How can I avoid these unsightly lines?

Petunia in Pittsburgh

Dear Petunia, I think it's time for you to get a size larger in your pants. Lordy, if you can see your panty lines, then your britches are too tight. If you just *have* to wear tight pants, then don't wear underwear! Let it all hang out. Heck, that's what I do ('cept when I go to church).

Dear Gertie,

Is it normal to have PMS all month long?

Barbara in Dalton

Dear Barbara, yup, it can happen. But the cause of your grouchiness is probably your husband Ernest, not your hormones. Go and treat yourself to a manicure, a five-pound bag of M&M's, and a nice night at the bowling alley. Works for me!

Dear Gertie,

How can I get my husband and kids to replace the toilet paper when it runs out?

Nancy in Birmingham

Dear Nancy, pretend to be deaf when you hear 'em hollering for a wipe.

Yo Gertie,

I'm 42 and my face is breaking out like crazy! What can I do about those under-the-skin monsters?

Kelly in Chatsworth

Hi Kelly, your face is probably breaking out either because of hormones or environment (the heat, teenagers, the Demon-cratic convention, etc.). Try dabbing some toothpaste on your bumps at night. It dries those zits right up! Toothpaste is also good for burns.

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