By: Angela Gillaspie © July 2004

I've always wanted to be an investigator when I grew up. As a kid, I watched the folks on Quincy, Dukes of Hazard, and The Rockford Files solve murder mysteries while dodging fast cars and women in tight clothing.

Nowadays the investigator is called a Crime Scene Investigator (CSI). Women still wear tight clothes, but they often solve more crimes and have more cleavage. Male CSIs wear disgusted looks and tight clothing and still dodge fast women and cars.

My dream of solving crimes professionally didn't come true, but as a computer-programming mom to four, I'm constantly being called to find out whodunit.

I'd love to have a lab like they have on CBS's CSI and CSI: Miami shows. It would make me a more effective mom - I'd be CSI: Momma. I could correctly handle family disputes and the kids wouldn't argue as much since they'd spend most of their time gathering evidence and processing the scene.

First, I'd get DNA samples of all family members, friends, and close neighbors and store them in CODIS (Combined DNA Identification System) and then take everyone's fingerprints and store them on AFIS (Automatic Fingerprint Identification System) so I could have quick and easy access to those tiresome he-touched-my-stuff problems.

Next, I'd stock the kitchen pantry with all sorts of neat things like fingerprint powder, evidence markers, microscopes, ninhydrin, and all those other cool gadgets that I can't pronounce or spell.

After that, here are some of the mysteries that I could solve:

• Use a DNA profile to exclude Child 4 and convict Child 3 as the sucker-licking bandit.
• Have a contest of who can identify the most fingerprints on the bay window.
• Putting evidence markers next to dirty clothes, unfinished homework, and unused toothbrushes to point out things that need to be done.
• Identify trace evidence in the gunked up mouse to see what was eaten at the computer.
• A mass spectrometer could be employed to determine whether Child 2 spit into Child 3's lemonade.
• Spraying luminol and using an alternative light source helps me clean those stubborn biological stains in the bathroom and kitchen.
• Magnifying teeth scrapings to find out who ate the last of the pork rinds.
• Analyzing the bacteria on Child 3's hands prove that he didn't wash his hands after going to the bathroom.
• Dust ninhydrin on dishes to see if the biological evidence of last night's dinner is really gone.
• Rigging a gas chromatograph to light up when someone passes gas would be a great science project for the boys.
• Use DNA to find which neighbor's dog pooped next to the hydrangea.
• Analyzing bite marks to find out who left the half-eaten Pop Tart in the bathroom.

Hmm, CSI: Momma could be the next hit CSI show! I'm no Daisy Duke, but after getting a few padded bras, tight shirts, investing in a cool flip phone, and painting my Chevy bright yellow, I'd be in business.