The Silence of the Men

By: Angela Gillaspie © 2003 All Rights Reserved

There's an enigma that has followed me from childhood. I was raised with two sisters and a very proper blue-bloodish mother and learned that the expelling of extra vapors was done with utmost secrecy to protect us from potential embarrassment. Heck, we weren't even allowed to say the word "fart."

Now as I raise a daughter and three boys (four counting my husband), I've tried to pass along the technique and wisdom behind passing gas politely. First, know that breaking wind is rude and should never be done if at all possible. Unfortunately, situations arise when you must allow your flatus to exit your body. Now, if your environment is noisy, it's still no excuse to float an air biscuit loudly - you just never know who might be nearby.

Also, if you're in dire need of expelling exhaust in a quiet environment, back up to something - a wall, clothes rack, door - and go slow. Slow wind is a happy wind. Oh, and if you ever need to let one at church: DON'T. It's against the rules, besides Momma'll pinch you really hard near your armpit.

My daughter grasped these rules with ease, but my boys pretty much threw them to the wind, so to speak. So now my enigma: Why can't males fart silently? I asked several fellow humorists this question, and here are their replies.

"It's a way for men to mark territory whereas women use pantyhose, absorbent materials, perfumes and shouts of "50 PERCENT OFF!" Passing wind loudly allows people with no nose to enjoy 'em too. It's manly. It makes women wonder. Letting one go quietly takes out half the fun of having gas. Back in the stone ages, men would light their farts at night to provide illumination in the darkness and as a signal to other men who were lost in the woods at night and refused to ask directions. By expelling gas extremely rapidly, the men mostly avoided the terror of flaming butt cheeks. After so many millennia, it is now encoded in the genetic structure." ~Ben "Mr. Science" Baker

Melissa agreed, "Word.  I just had a talk yesterday about how my boys had degenerated into apes.  No one is using a napkin or a tissue, they've all lost their sense of aim and my car has become a rolling gas chamber.  I realize I'm the only girl in this Frat House but I am still the Queen and don't think I won't start surround the throne with girl products.  If it will get my point across I will buy things just for their embarrassment potential."

Marta stated, "I think it is testosterone controlled. I am bringing up a son in a houseful of women (silent farters) and it just seems to be second nature to him to trumpet whenever he feels the need.  He didn't learn it from us."

Bob cited, "I live in a household of women. Very quiet. In other words, our poor dog is constantly being blamed."

Marta said, "You know, Bob...I have to laugh because in all actuality, my dog hardly ever farts!"

Ian interjected, "Women fart silently because their mouths are never shut long enough to trap air. Oh, and because it's the only thing we can say without hearing 'And what's *that* supposed to mean?'"

Shana urged, "HA...oops. I mean...that's not at all funny. In fact, I'm outraged! Well, ladies, it appears that our clandestine operation to form The Ian Wolff Fan Club is about as relevant now as the three marriage licenses the man acquired just to prove his expertise in this matter. Get him, girls...and while you're at it, make it a long-winded (yet silent) reply."

Todd added, "Adding farts to the fire, I wrote 'Link found between PMS and Methane Gas' a couple of years ago that expounds upon Ian's hypothesis. Never could get it published in the New England Journal of Medicine - go figure."

Kristen said, "I once thought I'd prefer the farts to be silent. But then I realized that having an alerting sound, a warning cry, a bellow with the blow, if you will, provides just enough time between the signal and the impending cauterization of nasal passages to evacuate the room, the house, the county, if necessary. What I want to know is what keeps his anal sphincter from completely disintegrating?  I know what the fumes do to MY mucous membranes.  He should have nothing but a flapping wasteland of emaciated flesh where his bunghole used to be. Sorry, Ang.  It's a necessary evil when living with the lesser of the species."

Dave informed us, "I just thought that you'd appreciate knowing that the gases that you smell don't automatically disappear, but instead chemically convert into an actual substance. In other words, think of all those things you smell, and realize that minute particles of this crap soon reside in your nose. I think that the scientific term for this is "particulation," but maybe not. So, the next time someone tells you that you're full of s***, maybe, just maybe, they're only referring to your nose. Then again, maybe not."

Bob told Dave, "Amazing that Ian only pointed out about 2 hours ago that such flapping in the lips above was the savior of vapor de'concentracion of the female variety. The wasteland analogy works wonderful, as well....."

I asked Dave, "Are you sure it isn't called "inflatulation"? Or is that just the output of the Democratic Party?"

Jim pondered, "I'm tired of talking about farting.  Could we let this subject rip and break like wind into a new thread?  I hope my little jokes aren't falling flatus, but I can't cut one..er, I mean...IT out. Whether silent and deadly or loud and equally as deadly, farts don't belong in a discussion among mature people. On second thought........."

Mike told me, "I got that phart covered in: www.outofthinair.homestead.com/womenonly.html And yes, men do have silent ones - you DON'T want to be there! But then, you knew about that already."

Well, I guess this is another one of those "guy things" that I'll never figure out. Just like if I were ever to let a loud one go, all four males in my house would groan in unison, "Eww! That's nasty!"

Of course, we know that never happens.

Stay tuned for more SouthernAngel's explosive research!