By: Gertrude Butterbean (c) 2006 All Rights Reserved
The bathroom, privy, boudoir, powder room, restroom, library, amen corner, wash room, toilet, potty, head, council room, chamber room, Water Closet (WC), Clyde's "Control Station," Gertie's "Holy of Holies," lavatory, comfort station, or whatever else y'all call it, is one of the most important rooms of the house. A Southerner keeps some of his or her most private and favorite things in there.
Wonderin' what's missing from your bathroom? What does Gertie and Clyde have in their shared boo-dwar? Well, get to readin'!
Bein' a woman, I know what is needed to keep clean and purty. Here's a few things off the top of my head...
- Hairspray. One of the most important things about Southern women is their hair. It's big, it's fluffy, it's bulletproof, and often it's waterproof. The bigger the hair, the bigger the heart.
- Concealer. For the record, we don't have blemishes - they're called beauty marks. Off the record? Okay, okay, we do occasionally (very very rarely) get blemishes and to show a zit is as distasteful as spitting in public. Concealer is also useful to hide hickeys and dark circles.
- Lipstick. When you have big hair and big red lips, you don't need nuthin' else, sugar booger. We don't like that kind of lipstick that doesn't rub off, we like the cheap kind so that we can mark our territory.
- Eyeliner. This all-purpose cosmetic is smudged for eye shadow, lines lips, turns small (very small) blemishes into beauty marks, and of course, this lines eyes.
- Vaseline. This goo is perfect for removing make-up and moisturizing the face and body. It's also a beauty aid to keep lipstick from sticking to our teeth.
- Corn cobs. After the corn is gone, we dry the cobs and use them for callus removal, back scratching, foot massaging, and in emergencies for toilet paper. But we'd have to be in a pinch.
- Deodorant. Since Southern women don't sweat (we glisten), there's hardly a need for deodorant, but since the South is a humid place, we apply our deodorant, just in case. It behooves us to have an odor.
- Perfume. Not cologne, now, that's a man's thang, but an expensive strong long-lasting perfume. We choose a scent that matches our personality; myself I like a deep spicy scent.
- Toothpaste. Used with a toothbrush, it enhances the teeth and the breath. Not only does toothpaste clean the teeth, it's a great acne cream, too.
- Woman Stuff. This is the private stuff stocked on aisle 8A next to the diapers that men fear, and that's all I'm gonna say about it.
- Toilet paper. This soft paper is used for all kinds of wiping, padding, and dabbing.
- Tweezers. You never know when a stray hair will pop up!
Clyde said that fellers need to have all this stuff in their "control rooms":
- Toothpicks. These are great for cleaning teeth, fingernails, plus digging the dirt out of toenails and belly buttons.
- Keys. This is the perfect ear cleaner. Also, a set of keys is needed to jingle in the pocket to make everyone think you have money. Just wipe the ear wax off first.
- Pocket knife. For trimming nails and hair.
- Deodorant. For special occasions like a date or Sunday church.
Now if y'all have to share a bathroom - like Clyde and I do - then you need to know what to have for the perfect his 'n her bathroom:
- Magazine rack filled with National Geographic, Field and Stream, and Southern Living magazines.
- Plunger with three rolls of toilet paper tastefully stacked on handle.
- Toothpick and key holder.
- Crocheted feminine hygiene product holder lovingly made by Momma.
- Hand carved toothbrush holder by Uncle Earl when he was in the Georgia Big House.
- Plastic #3 Earnhardt Lives On drinking cup.
- Matching plastic #3 Earnhardt Lives On soap dish with Ivory soap.
- Neatly folded #3 Earnhardt Lives On hand towels that you can't use.
- Checkered flag bath towel (that you can use).
Okay, now you have it. And if you need more information about woman stuff, don't ask me, just go to aisle 8A and holler for help. Heh.
Got a question? Email Gertie!
