By: Angela Gillaspie © October 2002

Last night I caught bits and pieces of a reality show called, "World's Scariest Places." It wasn't my choice of viewing, but since my dear one wouldn't give up the remote, I decided to watch.

At the beginning, a ghoulish host explained an old castle's devilish history to an open-minded family. There are frightening reenactments of torture, murder, and Florida vote recounts. Next, decked out with cameras, flashlights, and smelling salts, the family splits up to explore. You can pretty much predict what happens next: screaming, shoving, and dramatic footage of the family battling spider webs, rats, and hidden technicians thumping the walls and flipping the lights on and off.

As the show ended, I sighed and said, "They ought to get some hill folks in one of those castles - they'd fit right in and wouldn't be scared a bit!" And my husband said, "Nah, it wouldn't make good drama."
I disagree - imagine with me......

In this episode, Cletus O'Dell, his wife Virginia, their still-single daughter Earlene, son Earl, and his wife Maylene visit the haunted Chillingham Castle in England. The host talks in his best Alfred Hitchcock voice, "Good even--"

"Where's the beer?" Earl burps.

"Whar's the beef?" Earlene cackles.

Virginia grunts, "Y'all shut up now and let this here nice man tell us about this purty place. Don't make me slap y'all in front of this camera."

The director stops filming, and politely asks everyone to be quiet. The host takes deep breath and begins again, "Good evening, welcome to Chillingham C--"

"Whar's the chilly ham?" Earlene says and then doubles over laughing at her joke.

An hour or two later, the introduction is finally filmed, and the O'Dells, bored that there isn't any free food or beer, yawn and strap on their cameras, lights, and microphones as the host talks of ghosts, torture, and strange lights and sounds.

Virginia disagrees with the prayer that the director wants them to read, "This is heresy. I ain't gonna pray for the good spirits to help - that's the devil's work. I'll pray the Lord's prayer."

Anxious to get the filming over, the director agrees. All five O'Dells bowed their heads, pray, and are turned loose in the castle. Virginia goes to the kitchen area mumbling, "Daggum heathen, tryin' to make me pray to spirits! I shoulda give him a right big piece of my mind."

Cletus heads off toward the stairs, "Oh hush up, Maw. I'm gonna go down to that torture chamber and see what I can find, why don't you see if there's anything to eat in there?"

Earlene finds a hidden camera, picks her nose, and says, "I'm gonna go upstairs 'n look in the BEDrooms for somethin' in-TER-restin'."

Earl grabs the sleeve of Maylene's Dale Earnhardt T-shirt and they walk toward the door. The cameras follow Earl and Maylene through a passageway and into the library. Maylene gasps, "Woo wee, wouldja lookit the size of that!" she cries and points to some movement behind a dusty chair, "Didja see it?"

Earl filches out his frog gig, "Hold on there, sugar bun," he says and then snags a five-pound rat.

"Yer the MAN!" Maylene grins. Looking closer at Earl's catch, she adds, "Why, that's just a baby! You might wanna set it loose, Earl."

Up in the sound room, the director spews his cafe latte all over his purple velour turtle neck. "I thought they'd go crazy! Set the bugs loose in the basement - this will send them running for sure."

Cletus descends the stairs and finds the torture chamber. He starts whistling Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues and runs his fingers over a torture wheel. He smiles and says, "Lordy, what I wouldn't give for one of these babies, mmm mmm."

The camera pans in for a close up and he suddenly falls to his knees and bellows, "Gotcha!" Jumping up he whoops, "Wha-dang! This here's a NICE sized cricket!" He pulls out a battered margarine tub from a pocket in his hunting vest, and pops the cricket inside. Snapping on the lid, he sees another cricket and pounces on it.

"I hear the train a comin'- it's rollin' 'round the bend, I ain't seen the sunshine since I don't know when - I'm stuck in Folsom Prison, HEY!" he sings with glee, "Whoop! Whoop! I got me enough bait for two hours down at the crick!"

The director pales and then shakes his head, "Let's see if the daughter is spooked - get ready to dim the lights and thump the walls in the bedroom."

The camera in the master bedroom flips on, but the room is empty. Over to the right in the closet there is movement and groaning. As the camera focuses in, a skinny technician bolts from the closet with Earlene hot on his trail. "Come back here, honey! I got somethin' for ya!"

The technician, with large hickeys and pink frosted lipstick on his face and neck, squeals like a pig. From the hall another technician runs by, "Oh gawd, she's after ME now!"

"I just wanna hug, you sweet thang!" Earlene hollers. Both technicians run past Virginia in the kitchen, and she shouts, "Y'all come on back! There's enough food here for everybody!"

Virginia already swept, mopped, and scoured the dining room and kitchen, found some canned goods, lit a fire and baked a couple of casseroles, biscuits, and two pies. "This place is a pig sty. Whoever used to live here shoulda been housebroken. Tsk."

In the sound room, the lights go out, and there's a sudden bright blue flash followed by a "poof" sound. The director claws at his face, "OH NO! THE GHOSTS!" Giggling comes from the darkness. "That was purty cool, Maylene. I didn't know you could light farts that good. Ain't you somethin'?"

Virginia shouts from the kitchen, "Come 'n get it while it's hot, y'all!"

The entire staff of World's Scariest Places plus the eleven or so ghosts explode from the castle, never to be seen again.

And my hubby said this wouldn't be good drama.

Stay tuned for more SouthernAngel's frightening tales!