By: Angela Gillaspie © October 2003

Most folks would've called it a couch, but to Granny Pearl, it was a hooty tooty object d'art. Only the preacher and Eastern Star ladies were allowed to rest upon its plastic padding. Whenever other folks got near it, Granny Pearl became angry and shooed them away while loudly snapping her partial plate back and forth. It was quite frightening because she'd spit when she clicked her false teeth and her breath was so bad, it'd make a pig faint.

After Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Grandpa and Granny passed away, they left their possessions to family, and the davenport was handed down from daughter to son, to daughter, to son, and so forth. Each family member placed the celebrated davenport in a special place in the house ne'er allowing disrespectable hindquarters to rest on its privileged plastic covered pillows.

Finally Aunt Petunia (a.k.a. Aunt Pet-Pet) got ownership of the davenport and she couldn't wait to admire her antique treasure. Her husband, Uncle Booger, was more excited about selling some of the bequeathed items because he'd recently been paroled and had some serious drinking to catch up on.

One weekend, Aunt Pet-Pet left with Aunt Josephine to partake in a NASCAR pilgrimage to Winston Cup champion Bill Elliott's hometown of Dawsonville, Georgia. While Aunt Pet-Pet toured Thunder Alley, Uncle Booger decided to celebrate. He didn't know what to celebrate, but he remembered that his nephew Earl worked at the Lug 'n Chug package store and could sell him some discount priced bologna and beer - now there was a reason for merrymaking!

Earl arrived and the party commenced as soon as the bologna was sliced and Earl tapped the keg. Uncle Cletus walked over from next door with his favorite pig, Peaches. After half the discount bologna and beer and three-quarters of Uncle Cletus's home-brewed hooch were consumed, Earl fell asleep, and Uncle Booger was bored. He ran next door and got a bucketful of Uncle Cletus's sour mash and fed it to Peaches.

Peaches rolled her eyes, burped, and staggered around the backyard entertaining the party patrons with the antics that only a smashed sow could offer. For some reason, the laughter made Peaches go crazy and she knocked over Cletus, Booger, and the back door. As fate would have it, Peaches went straight to the parlor, plopped down on the davenport, ripped the plastic cover, got sick, and then passed out.

Sunday afternoon, Aunt Pet-Pet arrived home all fortified from her NASCAR weekender and a full morning of preaching. She went straight to the parlor to admire her davenport.

Neighbors five miles down the road could hear her hollering at Booger. He tried to defend himself when Aunt Pet-Pet paused to catch her breath, but seeing at that big stain in the middle of her prized davenport made her lay into him louder than before.

It took about two weeks before Aunt Pet-Pet could look at Uncle Booger without throwing a skillet at his head. About the same time, strange things began happening whenever Uncle Booger or any of his drinking buddies (Cletus and Earl in particular) got near the parlor.

One Sunday while Aunt Pet-Pet was at church, Cletus and Booger went into the parlor to check the davenport's cushions for change (they were short on cash and wanted some dipping snuff). "Whaz dat?" Uncle Cletus asked pointing to the stained cushion.

Booger was amazed, "Wha--? Oh daggum! It says, 'GIT OFF!' How'd you do that?"

"Wuddn't me, I bet ol' Pet-Pet did it to keep us offa her durned settee," Uncle Cletus said as he found forty-seven cents between the pillows.

When Aunt Pet-Pet got home, Booger and Cletus mentioned that they saw her message on the couch, and they stayed away. Not believing a word, she ran to check on her beloved davenport and she didn't see anything. "Y'all is drunk. Shame on y'all fer gettin' drunk on the Lord's day!" she scolded.

Booger wanted to be drunk, but ever since that Peaches fiasco, he didn't dare. "I ain't drunk, woman!" he proclaimed, "Why, just lookit that cushion right there," he said as he walked toward the davenport. A foul smell stopped him dead in his tracks. Crinkling his nose, Booger grunted, "Dang woman! That's some mighty awful smellin' tail winds!"

Pet-Pet made the sign of the cross and backed out of the room, "I'd get outta there if I's you, Booger," she warned.

Booger took another step & nothing. He took two more steps and then sat down on the davenport. "See, there ain't nuh--" he started to say and was interrupted by a sharp pain on his right butt cheek as "GIT OFF!" appeared on the cushion. He jumped up cussing and rubbing his hindquarters, "That hurt, I ain't nev--" and he was interrupted again by loud clicking.

Booger, Pet-Pet, and Cletus ran out the door and didn't stop until they reached Preacher Caleb's trailer (who thought they were all crazier than a run over dog, but he prayed for them anyway).

The next day, Pet-Pet, Booger, and Cletus stood at the parlor door. Pet-Pet loved that davenport with all her heart, so she went in by herself. She lightly sat on the couch, stroked the armrest, and nothing happened. After a minute, she got an idea, and asked Cletus and Booger to come over to the davenport while she stood by the door.

As soon as they got near it, that foul smell came back and they heard clicking. Cletus, trying to be the brave one, sat on the sofa only to be rewarded with a sharp pain on his rear. Cletus and Booger bolted from the room and Pet-Pet started laughing.

Out in the hallway (a safe distance from the davenport), the men stopped and looked at Pet-Pet. "Are ya crazy, woman?" Booger asked.

Pet-Pet cackled, "Hah! It's Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Granny Pearl's haint! You done gone and made her spirit all mad - serves ya right, you lousy excuse for a toilet," Pet-Pet said.

"You mean &" Cletus pulled down his drawers just enough to see a definite impression of false teeth on his right buttock. "OH LORDY! IT'S PEARL! SHE DONE BIT ME ON THE BACKSIDE!" and he tore out of the house, leaving his britches next to the rusted out washing machine in the garden.

From that day on, only folks that were living clean were allowed in the parlor near the davenport;the others heard, felt, and smelt the wrath of Great-Great-Great-Great-Great Granny Pearl.

The End.

Stay tuned for more SouthernAngel's frightening tales!