Over the holidays, I had a chance to sit and jaw with my relatives and neighbors about New Year resolutions. Boy howdy, they had some good ones! Maybe y'all might want to try some of these....
"I resolve to cut my spending down to $1000 a month at the Cheetah-3." ~ Earl
"I'm gonna spend more time at work, well, uh....when I get a job." ~ Charlie
"I need to make Clyde gain weight. He's a puny little thang at 257 pounds." ~ Opal
"I swear this year I'm gonna take down them Christmas lights before my birthday in June." ~ Otis
"Use my Christmas money to get spittoons for all the bedrooms." ~ Darlene
"Share my Elvis albums with the under-privileged." ~ Floyd
"I'm gointer (urp) stop gettin' drunk and sendin' email to Momma and them nice flyin' saucer folks at Roswell." ~ Billy C.
"The next time I get one of Billy's drunk emails, I'm gonna cancel his membership to Miss Cleo's High Flyin' Club newsletter." ~ Billy C's Momma
"I'm going to start shaving my eyebrows and draw them on like them movie stars do." ~ Maylene
"I resulve to pas the feth grad." ~ Jerome
"This year I'm gonna get a kiss from Dale Junior." ~ Frank
"I vow to not shoot the possums in my trailer, again." ~ Uncle Oscar
"I vow to not shoot the squirrels AND the house." ~ Uncle Oscar's Brother
"I will try new recipes for possums and squirrels." ~ Uncle Oscar's Sister
"I'm gonna get a real nice farting clock for Arthur." ~ Paulette
"Uh, I done forgot what I was goin' to resolution about." ~ Cooter
"Learn how to dance and not spill my beer." ~ Marvin
"I will try to switch from cheese curls to nacho cheese Doritos." ~ Brenda
"I want to stop giving my phone number to guys that I don't want to call me." ~ Sheena
"I'm gonna cut back on Johnny Burt's cholesterol - no more squirrel gravy." ~ Emma Sue
"This year I'm going to eat enough hotdogs so I can ride in the Wiener Mobile." ~ Tanya
"This year I'm gonna save up and see Rock City." ~ Edna
