Dear Ruby Pearl, sadly, I've noticed that thongs don't come in X-large sizes. I'll bet the reason behind this is that a bunch of Northern fellers are designing those thongs. Get a Southern boy in that Thong Design Room and you'll get a thong to fit the roundest and prettiest rump. As far as enhancing your thong experience, a tattoo could give your rear end a real boost. Since tattoos are permanent, you should probably go for those temporary tattoos or those nice stick-on thingies you can get five for a dollar down at the Dollar General Store.

What to place on your plump posterior? Here are my top choices:

• A big black #3 (in honor of Dale Earnhardt Sr)
• "NASCAR" banner
• "Lynyrd Skynyrd"
• "Braves #1!"
• "See Rock City"
• "Pork Fat Rules"

Dear Lula, I know what you mean. The creases near my armpits and creases in 'other' areas are several shades lighter than the rest of my tan. What to do? Since it sounds like you have a tanning bed and not a tanning room, try using some duct tape to adjust your backside so that the tanning rays can get to where you want them to go. Don't forget to use sunscreen - ow.

Dear Gisela, butt implants ain't cheap. They start somewhere in the area of $4000 to $8000, and topping off at $10,000 to $14,000 (especially if you ask for the "Chaka Khan Special"). My cousin Brenda Sue saved up all her tips down at the beauty parlor and got butt implants. She couldn't sit on her bruised fanny for almost a month.

Now Brenda Sue's pain's all gone, but when she sits, she said it feels like she's sittin' on two bowling balls. She swears that one cheek is higher than the other - I can't tell myself, she's always had a peculiar body build anyways. Harvey (her hubby) likes her new larger butt. He thinks it's really neat how she can open beer bottles and bounce quarters off of her behind.

Dear Fawn, you just let it all hang out, girlfriend. Wear your pink pants proudly. All you need are some pink curlers to match.

Dear Katy, this could be a regional thang. This ain't a scientific study, but I polled a bunch of the fellers that hang out down at the mercantile on Sundays and 90% of them said that they like women with, "Something soft and big to lean on." Next, I went on the Internet and polled fellers from the northern parts of the US of A and only about 30% of them liked women with plentiful posteriors. I reckon Southern boys grew up with Momma's big butt, and so that's what they end up liking when they choose a sweetie.

Dear Jana, that's a really subjective question. But, I guess a good rule of thumb would be if your butt drags tracks behind ya or if the rocking chair doesn't stay on the floor when you get up, then you might have a butt that's too big.

Dear Anonymous, shoot far, child, I have a cheap and easy solution for you! Substitute buttermilk for sweet milk, munch on pork rinds instead of fruit, don't exercise, and make sure you add bacon grease to all your dishes. The bad news: your belly, thighs, chin(s) and those flaps under your arms will get bigger. The good news: your chest'll get bigger.

You should just go and buy some padded bloomers like they have at those fancy underwear stores like Frederick's of Hollywood or the Plus Size Outlet. That way you can take off your fake hindquarters when the flat/skinny buttocks come back in style.

Dear Brenda, unfortunately you can't easily get the fat off your butt. You must exercise and eat right. The way I keep my girlish figure is by gardening, chasing pigs, bouncing on my tractor bush hoggin' the fields, and eating right - cornbread, collards, and pintos. Here's a secret: passin' gas is a great calorie burner. That's why men don't have big butts like women do cuz men ain't afraid of tootin' out some tunes.

Dear Bertha, you could probably sue the author for cruel and unusual punishment - especially if this book was a collection of humor stories about classifying the order and phylum of insects found on cows. Sure, it was funny after a quart or two of Mad Dog 20-20, but not now and never later.

The author definitely advertised falsely and he needs to know how you've suffered. What can you do?

• Take lots of pictures of your butt and send them to the author of the book.
• Start a web page with pictures of your butt and post the author's address where your angry visitors can send him email or snail mail. Public outrage should provide the salve for your burdened soul, hon.
• Write your congressman and enclose pictures of your butt. He probably won't do anything, but at least you can brag to Margie down at the beauty parlor that you wrote your congressman.
• Make flyers with your sad story, pictures of your butt, and the author's address and then put them on cars parked outside of Weight Watcher's, Jenny Craig, Overeater's Anonymous, and Wal-Mart.
• Write your own tell all book (with pictures of your butt).

I hope these tips help.

Dear Jiggly, stand up straight, poke out your hind end, and be proud! Take a good long look at what God gave ya, sugar. You're HOT! Pull on your middy top and your snug seafoam green polyester petal pushers and shop at Piggly Wiggly with pride. Everyone one will stare at you with envy ... er sumthin.

Dear JB, I surfed around and found a web site that said, "This article introduces Dr. Roberts' technique for creating more beautiful buttocks by a combination of adding fullness to flatter areas by Microfat Grafting, and sculpting of the adjacent areas by Liposuction to create a very feminine inward sweep of the lower back, hips, and waist, which emphasizes the new fullness of the buttocks." I ain't gonna give y'all that web page URL, nope. I got scared cuz as soon as I clicked on that web site, two ugly butts greeted me. ::::shudder::::: It brought back memories of the last presidential election.

Dear TK, well, I don't rightly know. I read that some doctors offer a fat injection, where the doctor injects fat into your butt. I wonder if bacon grease would work? You know, you might could get one of those breast enhancing kits and use it on your butt!

Dear Dianna, I reckon you'd have to do butt exercises to increase the ol' gluteus maximum. Try these:

• Sit on the floor with your knees drawn up to your chin. Walk on your butt around the house.
• While standing, scrunch and relax, scrunch and relax, scrunch and relax.
• Get a butt massage. Hey, it may not work, but it sure would feel good!

Poor Martin, I tried to get a close up picture for you ... I pulled on my Buicks, set up the camera, smiled real purty but all I could get was part of my backquarters. It seems my wide angle lens ain't wide enough. I'll keep trying.