Gertie Teases Big Hair

Dear Jennifer, big hair is our birthright; it's big business down here in the South, and just like NASCAR, it's popularity is catchin' on in other faraway places. Just think about it ... most all contestants in beauty pageants have big hair, and women in parades wavin' and throwin' candy? Yup, they got big hair too. At football games, you'll also notice that the majorettes and cheerleaders have great big hair. Oh, and take a gander at them purty girls in all them James Bond films - yup, they got some real big hair. And if you want to make it as a country singer, you HAVE to have big hair, just look at Reba, the Judds, Lorettey Lynn, Tammy Wynette (who was a hairdresser, by the way), and my favorite cousin, Dolly Parton.

We use our hair to attract (and keep) males -- kinda like a peacock. The humidity down here most of the year is 110%, so we take great pains to preserve and enhance our coiffures. Teasing, gelling, and spraying our hair so that it stands up about a foot above our heads ensures that our date/spouse can find us in a crowd (like a football stadium, picnic, mall, or tent revival).

Dear Angel, oh yeah, hon. It's a proven fact that the size of a woman's hair is directly related to her eligibility for marriage. The most eligible women have the biggest hair while the kept women have the smaller (or flatter) hair. Don't believe me? The next time you're in one of those honky tonks, take a gander at the hair - the biggest wildest hair belongs to the biggest and wildest women (that have the biggest purses - for all those cans of hairspray).

Thanks, Lo'Reeta. You always got something good to advise!

Dear Jan, I conducted an informal poll of the fellers at church, in the feed store, sittin' in front of the post office and on the Internet. The majority admitted that they liked big hair. Two of the most popular reasons were 1) they liked to run their fingers through big poofy hair, and 2) the big hair blocked the sun when they went fishing. Of the few men that denied that they liked big hair, they admitted that they had a bad big hair experience as a child - probably from watching too much Tammy Faye Bakker.

Dear Helen, speaking as a Southern woman, I know that having big hair (or big bangs in my case) in public is a necessity. Here are a few reasons to have big hair:

• It can attract a man (and bugs too if you ain't careful - a'course this could be a good thang if you're fishin')
• Strategically placed big bangs can hide forehead zits.
• Your date/husband will see your big hair in a crowded stadium after a bathroom break at half time real easy.
• Big hair makes you taller, you can add sparkles, and you can color it any color you want.
• Big hair makes a great insulation for the noise at the dirt track plus it can keep your ears warm in the wintertime. It can also keep your date's ears (and hands and feet) warm too.

There are a few warnings you should have when leaving the house with big hair:

• You gotta be real careful in thunderstorms, though. Lightning is more likely to hit ya if your hair is teased real high.
• Big hair ain't very aerodynamic, you might want to try a different style if you plan on going four-wheelin'.

Dear Larraine, it all depends on what kind of hair you have, sugar. Short hair and layered hair are the easiest to get big, long hair is real hard to work with. One thing's for certain, though, you need about a case of hair spray. Here are my tips on how to make your hair bigger:

• Wet your hair
• Apply a whoppin' handful of mousse to your wet hair and work it in.
• Hold head upside down (flip your head so that you're looking upside-down, watch out, sometimes this can make you dizzy and you might pass out, land on your hair and make it flat again) and run the blow dryer over it, wadding it with your fingers.
• When yer hair is almost dry, spray yer hair with hairspray, then blow dry yer hair some more, spray yer hair, and blow dry some more. Do this until you got the right crunchy texture or the can is finished-whichever comes first.
• Flip yer head up and fluff out that bushy fun on yer head.
• Take a comb and tease yer bangs. If you don't have bangs, you should - how can you have big hair if you don't have bangs?
• Spray on more hairspray - just in case.

If all else fails, wear a hat. That's what I do.

Dear Frank, shoot yeah, honey! The big hair look for men never did go out of style down here in the South and I heard on Oprah the other day that it's makin' a come back up there in them big northern cities too. I love big hair on a man, especially when he's got them lamb chop sideburns to go with it - it reminds me of Elvis. Oh baby.

Dear Geraldine, there are several different ways to get curls:

• Get a rinse and set down at the Beauty Box - Josephine knows all about big hair.
• Roll up your hair in hot rollers and spray the dickens out of them
• My Momma used pin curls by twisting her hair in little circles and fastening them up with bobby pins.
• Puttin' them pink curlers in the hair after the biweekly wash is the choice for most women. It's best to wear these rollers for a good 48 hours while running errands in town to get a good curl.
• There's always the permanent wave. It takes a couple of hours, it smells bad, but it makes your hair frizz up real good for about three months.

Dear Jeff, there's a pecking order to women according to hair size, with the biggest hair being the one in control. Don't believe me? Just watch two women arrive at Wal-Mart's check out lane at the same time! They will size each other up and the biggest hair will win. If both have big hair, then whoever breaks eye contact first loses. Don't you feel a bit intimidated when your wife shovels eggs on her plate at Shoney's breakfast bar at with her hair stickin' out like the old Queen of France, Marie Antoinette herself.

Also, while surfin' the 'net, I found some real interestin' big hair trivia: