Gertie Grapples Hooter Boosters

Several upset women (and a couple of fellers too) sent me questions about getting bigger hooters. Sure 'nuff, having bigger floppers not only attracts men, but makes women feel better about their bodies. A'course, not everybody has enough money to get Britney Spears boobies, so I'm gonna explore all the different ways y'all can stuff yer tops.

Larry

Dear Larry, I got me one of them Vicky Hush-hush catalogs and found all kinds of bras that would boost my ego. My favorite? Them water bras. I don't care much for wearin' em during the winter - that water plum freezes solid and makes my bosom rock hard. Water bras ain't for ridin' a horses, neither. All that shaking and jostling gave me a black eye, plus I sprung a leak.

Leanne

Dear Leanne, sugar, it depends on what you got to work with. Now, if your cup size is from -AAA to A, then try these stuffers:

• Anything soft, like athletic socks, wads of toilet paper, cotton, sponges and old Nerf® balls cut in half
• Dried beans
• Packing pop corn (heck, you could use real pop corn and attract you a man, too)
• Baseballs or softballs
• Wads of duct tape
• Water balloons
• Cachets filled with purty smellin' stuff, like rose petals, rags soaked in motor oil, and wood shavings

If your cup size is B or bigger, then try these:

• Dried lentils - they're smaller and have a natural feel
• Pieces of your old flannel bloomers

Brooke-Alice

Dear Brooke-Alice, you might could ask them bra folks about designing a brassiere that uses helium for that 'extra' lift. If not, then try some strategically placed flesh-colored duct tape. It works for Aunt Rose.

Laura

Dear Laura, that's a tough one. Paper products will disintegrate - sponges and cloths will absorb, so the best bet is to find something plastic. I wonder if Tupperware® has anything? Now that would be great! You could enhance your bust and pack your lunch all at the same time. Shoot, you could even use em as life preservers.

Martina

Dear Martina, I seriously doubt they are dishwasher safe, so you probably could just squeegee them off with a little dish soap and a sponge, I reckon. Set them out on the window sill to dry.

Ashley

Dear Ashley, I ain't no tree hugger, but I imagine that you could grab handfuls of peat, grass, moss, mulch, dirt, or compost and stuff them in your bra. Might be kinda itchy though - especially if mites, worms, or other insects hitch a ride in your hooter booster.

Mimi

Dear Mimi, first off, I don't want foreign objects the size of two peaches in my body. Second, I don't want no doctor cutting on me. Third, I'm afraid my false floppers might end up on my shoulders. Fourth, I don't want scars, and last, I ain't got $3000-5000 sitting around to go whole hog on hooters. But that's just me, though. I reckon if Clyde wanted some new playthings, and he talked real nice to me, I might let him get them. Maybe. This ol' girl don't like needles, knives, or pain. Shoot, I don't even have my ears pierced.

Sheryl

Dear Sheryl, sure 'nuff while you're breast-feeding, you'll have some bigguns. BUT I've found that if you breast-feed a lot of kids, your bigguns will become itsy-bitsies. Think about all them jungle women you see on the PBS channel - they work in those fields, nursing babies, and wearin' them big bones in their lips. Ever single one of them women has flat hooters. The only cleavage you'll see is on the man's backside when he goes off huntin' for lizards or snipe.

My younger sister Ellaloray has real small girls, but she is very athletic. If you get ya one of those plastic holders for caps, the kind you put in the dishwasher to wash Earl's Sunday NASCAR cap, just take your wire cutters & snip off the edges, then take your acrylic nail file & file it down real smooth. They work real good for bathing suits & catch minnows at the same time.

Now if you are just against stuffin' your bra, follow this beauty tip. Draw attention to your girls anyway you can. Always buy your bra two sizes too small. That pushes your girls up & out. Take some blush & lightly dust between your girls. Now always coordinate your face rouge with your girls's color. Next take that eyebrow stick & draw a beauty mark slightly above the cup line. This really draws attention to them. Another way to draw attention to get a tattoo. Next, every female knows the walk. Swing those hips & this causes your girls to jiggle.

I hope this helps.

Cousin Lo'Reeta