By: Angela Gillaspie Copyright © October 2002

When I received a letter from my son's guidance counselor a few weeks ago, my first thought was, "Is my insurance paid up?" My second thought was, "Will I need bail money for this?"

In the letter, the guidance counselor asked permission for the school to test my son for the "gifted" program, and I immediately wondered if my health insurance would cover a future DNA test to prove they really meant MY child.

Don't get me wrong; my son makes good grades, and I've always considered him (and his siblings) gifted - but for the school to hang the 'gifted' tag on him, well, it made him an Officially Gifted Child.

I attended the orientation for my Officially Gifted Child at his school and received an inch-thick folder labeled, "Caring for Your Gifted Child." After paging through the contents, I realized that those white-coated researchers must've seen a child eat fish sticks with a fork and thought, "That child is gifted! Hey, let's write a book!"

Now, this information was semi-useful, but hardly pertained to my Officially Gifted Child and his special circumstances. So, I decided to make my own list. Here's how to care for your Officially Gifted Southern Child:

1. Rely on the support of other adults; find capable mentors. Uncle Cletus can show your Officially Gifted Southern Child how to rebuild the mower's engine, Aunt Polly can impart the wisdom of garage "sale-ing," and the preacher's wife can explain the spiritual and calorie-burning aspects of delivering vegetables to the shut-ins. I want to point out that if you think "gifted" means that your child has a present for you, then you really need to rely on the support of others.
2. Parents should realize they are role models and stop cheating at Solitaire and sneaking Oreos before breakfast. Travel now and see Rock City. Going to Talladega to watch the Winston Cup race is educational. There's lots of math (point standings and cash winnings), spelling (he can learn how to spell Earnhardt, Viagra, and Chevrolet), and the art of debating (restrictor plates, restarts, and ending the race on yellow flag).
3. Don't compare your child with anyone else. No other kid can flick boogers at his sister as accurately as your child, plus he earns his own milk money playing nickel poker with his Aunt Traci. If your Officially Gifted Southern Child can't cast a perfect line, he can still have fun trawling the pond for snapping turtles.
4. Know his friends - heaven forbid someone's dad is a politician. Also, invite his friends to your home so that you can see first hand where your Officially Gifted Southern Child gets his bad habits.
5. Know his teachers, that way you don't get into as much trouble when your Officially Gifted Southern Child hatches praying mantises in the classroom. Try to request strict teachers with a weakness for your homemade pralines - just in case.
6. Family counseling is recommended for crises like Mom's PMS or the emotional duress from receiving one of Aunt Bet's wet moustache kisses. (Thinking back, I wish I'd had therapy to cope with the horror of Daddy dropping me off at school in his yellow-and-black-peeling-unmufflered-missing-driver's-side-door-and-no-hubcapped pickup truck. I still have nightmares.)
7. Give him time on his own so that he stops fighting with siblings, and can finish his dead bug sculpture in the basement. Don't over-schedule him so he can figure out the physics behind salting slugs (and time to clean his room).
8. Involve him in life outside academics. Show him how to convert the Chevy's backseat into a nice couch for Granny, or watch old home movies of Granddaddy working the pit on the dirt track. Other activities like attending Sunday school, catching crawdads and frog gigging does wonders for his spirit, mental acuity, and dexterity.
9. Invite music into his life by harmonizing gospel tunes on the back porch while shelling peas. Music can soothe the soul - even if your Officially Gifted Southern Child can't carry a tune, he can appreciate Elvis. Also, show him how to yodel and make whimsical music with a simple straw and his armpit.

10. Instill attitudes and ideals. Foster creativity by showing him how many different ways he can skin a catfish, catch bugs, and whittle a whistle. Help him get a yearning for learning and not be satisfied with 'How' but 'WHY' - and then send him to his daddy to get the answers. Encourage his artistic side by proudly wearing the "I Pooted" bracelet he made you for Mother's Day.
11. Value those early childhood experiences, and don't stress over them. That time he explored the fecal arts on the freshly painted playroom walls was brilliant (and smelly) - who knows? He could grow up to be a famous artist! Every time he produces a loud bodily noise and then laughs hysterically, just think - he could be the next president!
12. Love and accept your child no matter what, especially when you find a wad of wriggling worms in his pants pocket.

Another thing the guidance counselor mentioned was that we mustn't make a big deal out of the fact that our child is gifted, it could cause jealousy and embarrass him. I reckon wearing my "I'm with gifted." tee shirt would be too much.

Besides, I realized that I treated my Officially Gifted Southern Child the same way as I treated his Unofficially Gifted But Extremely Above Average Southern sister and brothers. Being deemed 'officially gifted' only matters to me when I need something to brag about while waiting in the car pool line.

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