My Special Angel

By: Angela Gillaspie © 1998

My Special Angel,

Good-bye, my Little One. I am going to miss you even though I never got to know you. The brief time that you and I shared a body, I had many dreams of what your life would be like. You have an older sister and two older brothers. They were very excited about your arrival, and saddened by your departure. We will never know whether you were a boy or a girl, but it really doesn't matter; we love you unconditionally.

No one is really sure of what happened to you. They said that you were only ten weeks old when you should have been thirteen weeks old. I saw your tiny body on the sonar screen, and you were not moving. You were a little white ghost-like echo suspended in a grainy black mist. They could not find your heartbeat. Then, they delicately told me that your little heart had probably stopped beating ten to fourteen days ago.

How could this be possible? All throughout those ten to fourteen days, I talked to you and would talk about you, assuming that you were growing inside me. My doctor explained that you ceased developing due to a chromosomal anomaly. "Many women go through this," he told me, "and you possibly may go through this again, you can just never know." He wanted to make it very clear to me that it was not my fault that we lost you. I wanted to blame myself -- I wanted to have someone who was at fault; that way, I could channel my pain directly to someone or something. Alas, it was no one's fault, and I am struggling with many mixed feelings.

Your Daddy and I already had names picked out for you. We regret that we never got to hold you, but we are comforted that you are now being held by Jesus. We wondered if you were going to have brown or green eyes. We wondered if your hair was going to be straight like your sister's or curly like your brothers'. We were excited about having a baby born in the wintertime; your sister and brothers were born in the summer.

Your six-year-old sister cannot understand why I cry when I watch her playing with your brothers. I try to explain to her that I am happy and have a broken heart all at the same time. She doesn't understand how I can be happy and sad all at once. Your three-year-old and ten-month-old brothers will not remember this emotional summer. When they get older, I will remind them and your sister about you.

A wise friend directed me to a verse in Isaiah (41:10), "Do not be afraid -- I am with you! I am your God -- let nothing terrify you! I will make you strong and help you; I will protect you and save you." I am consoled that you are with this one and only God. He is my God and your God; He has made you strong and unafraid. You are experiencing the glory that I am waiting my lifetime to see. My insightful friend has reminded me of my Creator's love. I am no longer afraid or terrified; God is with me. He is protecting me and making me strong; He has saved me. I am teaching your sister and brothers about God. They already know about God's love for them and they know that you are in heaven with Jesus. I will remind them that you are their Special Angel, and you will be watching over them and protecting them; you are helping Jesus.

I know that you are watching over Daddy and me, too. Perhaps someday, we will have another baby and you will be there, along with God, Jesus, and the gang, watching over us and smiling. Thank you and bless you my Special Angel.

I love you forever,

Mommy

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