SouthernAngel's Meetin' on Beans

Bean Legislation

The other day, I was lucky enough to be able to participate in some groundbreaking exchanging of ideas. Several women from all over the United States and Canada put together a "town meeting" using video conferencing. It wouldn't be prudent of me to share their identities, due to the fear of backlash in their neighborhoods, so I will just use pseudonyms where needed.

We gathered around our monitors and I started, "Beans don't fart, people fart."

Nancy from New York replied, "I love baked beans, but no one loves being around me after I eat them. It makes me feel so -- alone."

I asked her, "Are you for bean control?"

Nancy wrung her hands nervously and replied, "Um...well, no -- but my kids are. I try to get the kids to eat them; they despise beans and they won't even taste them! Tsk. Beans are so nutritional."

Cayla from North Carolina nodded, "Well, I think that we should just stop all the farmers from growing the beans! I mean, if they would just take the responsibility for growing the dang things we wouldn't have to put up with all the smelly air!"

Flo from Florida piped up, "I really do think that we need to beef up our bean control laws, don't you?"

Vera from Virginia sneered, "Yes. Take those beans and toss them to the dogs where they belong! Beans should be ripped from the shelves!"

Annabelle from Arizona shrugged, "There is no flatulence in my home. My kids often make a Jacuzzi in the bathtub, and there is an outbreak of 'frogs under the chair' when I make my famous bean burritos for dinner. I've never thought beans had anything to do with it."

Wilma from Washington replied, "Just wanted to say that I do have some opinions on 'bean' control, but I'm not very good at putting them in words. The only comment I will make is that 'beans' have been around for years and our modern day problem is not so new. My grandmother has told me some stories about 'beans' that happened when she was a little girl. Maybe we seem to have more of a problem with it nowadays because there are more people?"

Flo said, " So then overcrowding and bean control become the issues. Of course, then we also have to take into consideration the ozone layer and bean gasses too."

I interrupted, "Perhaps some control over bean consumption is in order, that and the proactive movement against the smelly feet."

Gertie from Georgia slapped her palm on her desk loudly, "Amen to that sister. I live with some of the stinkin'-est feet east of the Mississipp. Shoowee nasty fer sure."

Nina from New Jersey cleared her throat and said, "Well you could always do that, but you see -- then there will be those closet bean addicts (like a close personal friend of mine) and then you would just have a bunch of people breaking the laws trying to get to them beans!"

Gertie reminded us, "Well, sometimes those buggers are sneaky and they just surprise ya, ya know? Sort of like you are bending down to pick up a toy off the floor and then BOOM!"

Flo nodded, "Like my poor Grandma. Bless her heart. Every time she bent over one noxious boomer slid out. She always looked surprised and tried to play it off or blame it on the dog, but I often wondered if she really did know that it was coming."

Vera laughed, "Oh sure she did. Pure evil is what it is."

Nina said, "Ahhh, yes--I've read the latest report from Scientific Digest! The Commie Bean haters like Vera think that BEANS are now the cause of the depletion of the ozone layer!! Sheeesh-- what is next, ladies??? Will butt flatulence come to be known as the cause of all those oil spills in the ocean as well? Will our tushie tunes be blamed for our children not learning in schools also?"

Wanda from Washington took this in and said, "Sure, that happens to us on occasion and it is an embarrassing accident, but what I'm concerned about is the purposeful freelance flatulation of individuals. It imposes on my rights!"

Sally from South Carolina shyly added, "I break out in a rash when I come in contact with that kind of ... output. I'm allergic."

Orada from Oregon shook her head and noted, "Of course, the best way to stop uncontrolled farting would be to teach people that it's impolite to fart in public - but, since we have a society of people that think it's wrong to tell someone it's impolite to do anything in public, it would take a long time to educate everyone and solve the problem - not that we shouldn't be trying!!! BUT ... in the meantime, rather than just letting everyone freely fart in public, maybe we could try to limit the number of farts by putting some sort of control on the amount of beans in circulation?"

Nina replied, "Ah -- but you see, like I mentioned earlier -- then you would have all these crazy farters running around (just like there is now as well) breaking the bean laws just as they do now. What would a bean law help if the farts will still break the law and blow wind anytime they feel the need anyway?"

Ina from Iowa replied, "I was in Kmart the other day with my baby. I was looking over the floral housecoats on the clearance rack when I heard this loud 'phhhhhfffffffft' sound. I grabbed my child and held her close to my breast so that she wouldn't be affected by one of those people. Soon after, I got a whiff of something foul, and," she paused to chuckle, "it was little Emily. She done blew a wad in her diaper. Now ain't that something!"

I suggested, "Perhaps we could enforce a segregation of farters and non-farters just as we do with smokers. Of course, this might be a fatal mix if a farter was also a smoker and had the disposition to light farts in public. The horror."

Orada nodded, "I agree - you would still have the crazy guys that go off and fart willy-nilly. Those have always existed, and they always will. And they usually are the ones who have to steal their beans now anyway for lack of funds - which last I checked is still illegal. But, wouldn't it be nice if it were just a little bit harder to get a can of beans, so that maybe a few temporarily stressed out nuts might not get their beans until after their stomachs have had a chance to settle?"

Vera disagreed, "No, just yank the beans from the counters."

Ina replied, "Yo Vera, ever eat cabbage? That'll make ya fart big time, girlie!"

Vera just sat glaring at the monitor.

Orada then pulled the stray hair out of her face and tucked it behind her ear, "Not saying it would FIX the problem - a MUCH MORE LASTING solution would be to show everyone how totally gross and improper farting in public is - to encourage a change in heart, from which the manners would follow. But, in the meantime, maybe laying down one more "barrier" for them to cross might just discourage just enough people to save just one person from getting gassed. And to me, that would be worth it. My point being that bean control is NOT the answer. But I'm not going to argue against it either, because I don't think it will hurt."

Orada paused, wiped a tear from her eye and said, "I'm really enjoying discussing beans so openly. This is beautiful."

Flo agreed, "I'll have to agree with you Orada! I don't think that any of my other friends would understand my very strong feelings about bean control."

Nina concurred, "Yes, I can understand your point of view as well, so I don't argue against it at all, but to totally take away the right to eat beans would just be so unconstitutional. I can see what you are saying and agree with you though--but it is always so hard to figure out that balance--I mean--what's next Bean police?"

Orada replied, "True - I agree. I would not want my bean consumption rights to be stepped on by the government. But a little more red tape to get a hold of a can of beans doesn't bother me in the least - especially since I don't even like beans! Ha."

From Nancy's monitor we heard a thump and then mad giggling. Nancy's son (dressed in a black T-shirt with 'Pull My Finger' printed in red) thrust his buttocks at the monitor and ripped off a good five-second-long fart and then ran from the room.

We sat in stunned silence.

Nancy attempted to regain her composure, smoothed her hair, pursed her lips and then asked, "Shall we continue?"

Gertie scowled into the monitor, "I too have this in my own home. That would be my husband; he's a farting terrorist!"

I said, "I dearly love beans, but I'm not one of these crazy liberal fart-in-a-crowded-elevator-and-then-leave people. Now, I'll have you know if I'm ever confronted, I will use my flatulence as a weapon if I need to, but just to fart for pleasure, no. It's ... it's ... just not right. My Momma taught me the correct way to fart. It's up to the parents! Not the government and the schools!"

Flo said, "Farts weren't meant to be wasted for pure pleasure alone! One should practice until just the right tune is mastered and then stick with that to use as the weapon."

Vera frowned, "I don't take ANY pleasure in that bodily function. Matter of fact I hardly EVER toot."

Ina cackled, "Yeah, she just 'toots' and then the essence of orange fills the air."

Vera smirked, "Humph. So what if I don't make loud noises with my bottom! I have the right!"

Nina said, "I think --like you said-- it is more important to educate people on the rudeness of farting and gassing other people. Not only is it rude, it is just downright disgusting behavior. Basic respect for human life is the key."

I stood and knocked my chair over and said through clenched teeth, "Beans are good for the heart, plus they have been rumored to be the musical fruit. The flatulence caused by dried beans -- the majority of beans I use -- is created by complex sugars that - because they're indigestible by normal stomach enzymes - proceed into the lower intestine where they're eaten --and fermented -- by friendly bacteria, the result of which is gas. Dried beans are rich in protein, calcium, phosphorus and iron. Their high protein content, along with the fact that they're easily grown and stored, make them a staple throughout many parts of the world where animal protein is scarce or expensive. So you see, beans are our friends and make friendly gas. Some evil people use this process as a weapon. Beans don't fart ... people do. Just say 'no' to those flatulent terrorists, not beans."

Flo clapped her hands together and said, "I got it! How about putting a couple shots of Bean-o in each bag or can of beans. And for those that buy them fresh, you can pick up your Bean-o at the check out stand."

I mentioned, "Perhaps we could start a grass-roots effort to get the government to subsidize the cost of Bean-o and run clinics in the gassy parts of town?"

Flo responded, "Great idea! And I would be the first to volunteer my time to this great effort! Of course, I would have my nose plug handy but that's OK, flatulence is a natural bodily function."

Vera pointed out, "Yeah, natural. But it can be dangerous and totally RUDE if not controlled. OK, you can have your ... ," she paused for effect, "BEANS. But just control those horrible tooting individuals."

Candace from Canada had been sitting quietly during all of this, taking notes. She then said, "They tried subsidizing Bean-o here in Canada for a while, but then other manufacturers wanted to get in on the government gravy-train and began making their own anti-gas remedies. You guys remember what happened over in London when the maker of Viagra distributed 'Cessation Le Poot'? One of my relatives was injured in that mishap."

Nancy said, "I vaguely remember, please remind us of what happened."

Candace shuddered, "It was awful. There just wasn't enough testing on 'Cessation Le Poot'. They thought that it inhibited the making of gas, but it actually caused projectile pooting." She looked away from the monitor, took a deep breath and sighed, "My cousin was blown down and broke his nose as he passed a lady in the park eating a hotdog. My family has suffered so much. My cousin lost his sense of smell for two weeks."

"That was indeed tragic. The government would love to take away our beans, I'm sure. Yes, beans cause flatulence, but don't take them away! I'll fight this! Can't we just get along?" I cried, "I gotta have my pintos!"

Gertie shuffled some papers, and said, "I want to read y'all something that I'm sending to my congressman." She cleared her throat and began, "The Constitution of these here United States of America guarantee the right to freedom of expression. I will fight to the death anyone who dares to attack my freedom to express myself through the legume arts. Was a time when beans were cherished in this great country of ours. People relied on beans for their very survival. It's a plot I say, a conspiracy. The gummit is trying to limit our rights in an effort to control our lives and make us dependent on them for everything. First it will be the beans, then the taters, then some holier than thou paper pushin' gummit bureaucrat will want to take away our greens. I can see it now: people going to the big house for growing poke salit in their yards. Where will it all end? If we let them take our beans it will not stop there. I tell you sure as I is standin' here, they will not stop until we are all living on a diet of California cuisine. It's a pinko commie conspiracy I tell you. They want us all to be a complacent bunch of granola eatin' hippies. I will not stand for it! Respectfully Submitted, Gertrude Butterbean, Georgia"

We all began clapping wildly (even Vera seemed touched) as tears streamed down our faces. Yes, I felt a lot of love that afternoon, love for my fellow man and definitely love for my beans.

Stay tuned to see what SouthernAngel stirs up next!