Practically Christmas

By: Angela Gillaspie Copyright © 1998, 2019

Every year at Christmas time, we ceremoniously pulled on our comfortable shoes, grabbed our sale papers, and headed for the nearest store claiming to have the best sale. When we arrived, we stood in the aisle staring blankly at the filled shelves holding our three-foot long list while many items leaped up and shouted, "ME ME ME!"

When I was young, Christmas was magical. I got a couple of weeks off from school, and gift shopping was a thrill. Momma would go through the racks of clothes at JC Penney while I hid in the middle of the rack and make rooster noises. Yep, those were the days.

Later, when I was old enough to go on my own shopping excursions, purchasing gifts was fun. As I stood in the check out lane, I would smile as I imagined the look of surprise / disgust when my sister Traci would open the large pair of monster feet house shoes I got her. The expression of sheer joy on Sherri's (my other sister) face would inevitably appear when she tried on her hamburger earrings.

Nowadays, I don't know if I am running out of creative ideas or what, but I have a heck of a time shopping for my family. I reckon when you get older, you already HAVE everything, so what is left to buy for gifts? Novelty gifts are good when you are younger, but when you get older, you need practical gifts. I've never been practical, unless you call being a practical joker being practical. So what do I do?

I tried making whimsical articles of clothing for my family, for example, I painted "WARNING! Gas leaks!" on my Daddy's underwear. I also put smiling cow appliques on Traci's shirt; gemstone worms on Momma's shirt, and winged pigs on Sherri's shirt, but for some reason, my gifts weren't appreciated. Of course, my family doesn't have quite the same taste in apparel (and humor, for that matter) that I do.

I realize now that I must be practical and purchase gifts that will be useful and durable for my loving family. The new "practical me" decided that camping out in department store parking lots with a packed breakfast, lunch, and supper isn't really practical. Shopping for worthy gifts through catalogs and through the Internet is much more efficient. Now I'm going to put those management and logic courses I had in college to work. Mission: 'practical gift' is now enabled.

The first people on my list are my neighbors who like to lend me things I didn't ask for, like the recipe book titled 1001 Ways to Serve Boiled Eggs. Yuck, I can't stand boiled eggs, but that is beside point. For these people, I will wrap this same recipe book, enclose a recycled Christmas card (from last year, oh, I'm so practical) signed by me, and top this package with a festive bow. If I have time, I may hot glue some elbow macaroni (that I spray painted gold) on top of the Santa wrapping paper (watch out, Martha Stewart).

For my Momma, I ordered one of those gold-finished toilet paper racks with a built-in AM/FM radio. I also placed an order for one of those big faux leather saddle bag purses that was conveniently on the same page of my Corn Pops coupon. Yes, my Momma will get years and years of use from the rack and purse. The new disco station will come in nicely there in her bathroom for her listening pleasure. She will sway to Stayin' Alive as she pops those big rollers in her hair and fills her shiny new purse with Kleenex and dental floss. She will probably brag to her friends at the Chamber of Commerce at her middle daughter's ingenious practicality.

For my older sister, Sherri, I found the original Toilet Paper Tina! This artfully crocheted burnt orange colored device will tastefully hide her extra rolls of toilet paper. Her friends from church will definitely covet her Toilet Paper Tina. Also, I'm going to take photos of Sherri and her Toilet Paper Tina so that I can make a web page for Sherri to show off her new gift. For Sherri's husband, I ordered a handcrafted and personalized leather gum case, and nose hair clippers. Perhaps he will be inclined to demonstrate the clippers usage to my husband. There is no end to my practical sense.

For my younger sister, Traci, I found a set of those really cool make-up glasses that flip down so that she can apply her make-up and not have to wear her contacts. In addition to this great gift, I ordered her a bug zapper and a birdsong watch. Traci has never cared for flying critters and now she can take great delight in watching those bugs get zapped. Also, can you imagine the amazement of Traci's co-workers when her birdsong watch marks every hour with quaint little birdies chirping loudly?

For my Daddy, I ordered a silver-plated toothpick holder with several refills because he takes great pleasure in picking his teeth every chance he gets. I thought of some silver-plated car keys for him to clean his ears with, but I couldn't find any. My Daddy is constantly losing his toenail clippers, so I found some personalized "clapper" toenail clippers. So the next time he loses his clippers and needs his toenails shortened all he has to do is clap. I just hope the lights stay on for him.

There are some of my relatives (who SHOULD remain nameless -- everybody wave at Aunt Betsy) that don't believe in personal hygiene. When you work with cows and pigs all day, why bother with soap? For her, I ordered a year's supply of those under arm pads that stop sweat for up to thirty days. I also ordered her a personalized blackhead popper thingy to help cleanse the dirt and grass out of her pores. Yes, these are the gifts that keep on giving.

Since poor old Aunt Bertha lost her husband Walter, she's been awfully lonely (if she wasn't so daggum mean, she'd have more friends, but that's beside the point). I thought she'd fare well with a Chia pet and some sea monkeys. Now, she'll have low-maintenance 'friends' to listen to her complain about Aunt Betsy and Aunt Mary Jo. I'm also going to include one of those pretty bright pink yard flamingos that she can set next to the couch on her porch. The colors should match nicely and Aunt Bertha will have a friend outside to also hear the latest gossip about Aunt Bobbie Jo's 'so-called' hip replacement surgery and liposuction.

The rest of my aunts and uncles will get magazine racks for their bathrooms, bunion scrapers, and a good supply of corn pads. When you get to be their ages, your dawgs can really start to pain you and you spend more and more time in the lavatory.

Last on my list is my dear sweet husband. We usually just get each other a card for Christmas, but this year I thought I'd get him a practical gift for once. For the father of my children, I ordered tags that I could put on his clothing that would describe the color of the garment and what other colors would match the garment. Why? He's colorblind, and he needs to start learning to pick out his own clothes. The poor guy, I don't have the heart to tell him that the Christmas lights on front of the house are dark pink-purple (instead of blue) and the burgundy door and shutters are really purple and that his tan bathroom is really sea foam green.

My family will be thrilled at my applied thought to their practical gifts. I can't wait until Christmas Eve for everyone's excitement and wonder at my thoughtful and sensible gifts. Yes, this Christmas will be one everyone will remember.

Stay tuned for more of SouthernAngel's Practical Pages!