Lord of the Stacking Rings

By: Angela Gillaspie © June 2003

Author's Note: for those of you that haven't read Tolkien's Lord of the Rings, I parodied the hobbit (Slobbit), Orcs (Dorcs), Ringwraith (Ring-ape), wizard (Wizard Momma), elf (preteen elf), and cave troll (shaved troll). Hopefully Tolkien isn't turning in his grave too much.

"One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them." ~ J.R.R. Tolkien

One day, Wizard Momma gave Wubba a gift: Stacking Rings. Wubba smiled as he rubbed the red, orange, yellow, green, and blue rings. "Mmm goo!" he cooed with approval. Sissie, a preteen elf with an attitude, showed Wubba how to stack the rings on the base and how to hide them from the sly Ring-ape, Wild Thang, and his fearsome sidekick Dorc called Elvis.

Several times a day, Wubba enjoyed solitude with his rings while Wizard Momma flitted around her territory chasing metaphors, simmering stews, and tripping over blocks. Afternoons, Wild Thang and Elvis emerged from a large yellow Buh, arguing and fighting as most Ring-apes and Dorcs commonly did.

Wizard Momma saw the enemies approaching and went to help Wubba gather his rings. Wubba said, "My Ween!"

Skilled at telekinesis and quick reflexes, Wizard Momma gathered blocks with her hands and levitated all thirty-seven television, VCR, DVD, stereo, and broken remotes and placed them all in the Toy Chest Kingdom so that Wubba could have easy and quick access to them.

Elvis blasted through the door with Wild Thang hot on his heels. They stopped suddenly and raided the Toy Chest Kingdom.

"Mine!" Wubba shrieked as Elvis grabbed the red ring and Wild Thang snatched a remote. Off they ran toward the Stinky Boy Empire. Wizard Momma calmed Wubba with a magical pacifier and sippy cup of chocolate milk, and then went after the wicked looters. When she entered the Stinky Boy Empire, she was afraid because of the dangerous abandoned cheese wrappers, headless dolls, and mounds of smelly clothes.

Wild Thang was in the process of rewiring the remote to control Cartoon Land, and over in the corner Elvis used the red ring to bind Batman and Spiderman together as he tortured them with an evil naked and headless Barbie. Holding a marker in his hand, Elvis attempted to draw "Josh fartid" on the ring (and Barbie).

Fire shot from Wizard Momma's eyes as she challenged Elvis the Dorc, "Give me that ring and clean up this pig sty right now - you too, Wild Thang!"

Defeated, Elvis handed the red ring to Wizard Momma, stuffed his clothes in the hamper, and then attacked Wild Thang with a big rubber bug.

Wizard Momma returned the red ring to Wubba and life was good until the wily Sissie came to visit the Toy Chest Kingdom. Knowing that our hero loved pickles, she set out big bowl of sliced pickles and as soon as Wubba was chomping his dills, Sissie snatched the blue ring and fled to her land of preteen elves, the Domain of Moody Princesses.

It wasn't long until Wubba finished his last pickle and noticed the blue ring was missing. "My ween bye-bye!" He squealed.

Wizard Momma immediately got on the trail. With her keen nose, she detected the odor of powder, perfume, and mothballs. She ran to the Domain of Moody Princesses and caught Sissie playing dress-up in an old blue bridesmaid dress and the blue ring on her arm.

"What's this?" the wizard wanted to know.

Sissie took off the ring, tossed it to Wizard Momma and declared, "Take it away - it clashes with my shoes!"

Wizard Momma once again returned the ring to Wubba. He was so happy, he stacked his rings blue-green-yellow-orange-red, and chanted, "My ween! My ween!"

As evening crept near, the wizard placed Wubba on his throne of crumbs, and the Dorc, Ring-ape, elf, and wizard joined the shaved troll Dada at the Table of Yucky Veggies for their nightly feast and fights. Sissie, Elvis, and Wild Thang gobbled their grub and fled the scene, arguing as they left. Dada began scraping goo and partially eaten provisions from the table and Wizard Momma set Wubba loose near the Toy Chest Kingdom.

Wubba soon felt the pull of the rings - he must stack them! Red- orange-yellow-blue- ... uh oh. Now the green one was missing. "Ween gone-gone!" he wailed.

Wizard Momma appeared and searched the Toy Chest Kingdom for the ring. She looked high in the Case of Cookbooks and low under Dada's recliner. Finally, she closed her eyes and tuned in her great Mommy Powers and got a fix on the missing ring.

She found Wild Thang in the backyard emceeing his own three-ring bug circus. "That ring wasn't meant for bugs - it was meant for Wubba! Here, use this instead," she said, throwing Dada's duct tape to Wild Thang.

The wizard returned the ring to Wubba, and he happily stacked his rings blue-green-yellow-orange-red, and chanted, "My ween! My ween!"

Wizard Momma settled down in the shaved troll's recliner watching the brave Slobbit enjoy his rings. "Ah yes," she thought, "One baby to rule them all, one mom to find them, and one ring for them to fight over and with magic markers they try to redesign them."

Stay tuned for more of SouthernAngel's Wubba Stories!