My Offensive Things

(To the tune of "My Favorite Things")

By: Angela Gillaspie (c) May 2004

Big poops in diapers and brown rings on bathtubs

Dull greasy kettles and broken crayon nubs

Dirty toilets clogged up with stacking rings

These are a few of my offensive things

Flaming liberals and fat guys in Speedos

Doorbells and mop pails and really stale Cheetos

Wild kids that separate flies from their wings

These are a few of my offensive things

Middle-aged men with sports cars and bad toupees

Long toenails and low fat fish-flavored soufflés

Silver pick-ups loaded with screaming teens

These are a few of my offensive things

When my kids behave

When my kitchen's clean

When I'm feeling glad

I simply get hit with my offensive things

And then I get back to feeling bad.

(repeat and so on and so forth yadda yadda yadda)