By: Angela Gillaspie © 2009

They bark, eat off the floor, chase the mailman, and can wreck a room in less than 15 seconds. Puppies, right? Yes and no. There's another kind of critter that shares these traits: boys. This varmint revelation hit me one evening as I sat cross-legged on the edge of a wrestling mat watching my three boys plus 30-something other kids practice takedowns and pins. All the giggling, grunting and jumping on each other was just like how I've seen pups act. To prove this, I'll describe a typical day at the Gillaspie household.

As soon as my front door opens, I'm bowled over by my three-pack of wild ones as they bound outside in search of trouble and fun. Bugs, balls, squirrels, and trees are marked as occupied territories which ultimately lead to snarling, squealing, growling and fighting. The runt of the litter yelps the loudest while the bigger ones dominate and aggravate to establish the pecking order.

After defending ownership of rocks, balls and sticks, and assaulting anything with legs, the breeze pulls the mouth-watering bouquet of baking cookies from my kitchen window out to the back yard. The door swings open and I am instantly surrounded as the pack goes into "Mooch Mode" - smiling up at me, doe-eyed and pitiful. I give out hugs and cookies, and the sounds of smacking, belching, crunching, yelping, snarling, giggling, and yapping fill the air.

Later, all rested and revitalized, they renew their hunt for adventure and quickly find it by way of our black cat, Spanky. Sensing their clumsy approach, he flicks his tail and in a flash of black fur, he disappears under my bed. Undaunted, the pack shifts its attention to my teenage daughter. She hears them and takes a break from her text messaging to wallop two of the three varmints upside the head with a well-placed kick, strong from years of soccer. The pack abruptly retreats; they make adjustments to their poorly planned attack strategy and launch additional raids on unsuspecting chairs, stuffed toys, parents, and pack brothers.

The end of the day signals the beginning of bath time - oh joy. The pack leader doesn't fight or require as many threats and enticement as the smaller two. The good news is my husband and I have over 17 years of bath time bribery experience and have our bath-story-bedtime routine down pat.

Parents and dog owners alike should agree that the feeding, behavior, maintenance, and caretaking of these adorable and feisty boys and pups are very similar. Don't think so? Consider these points:

• They love balls and sticks
• They cower in thunderstorms and when they think they've done something bad
• They stink after playing outside - regardless if it was one hour or one minute
• They rarely tire out
• They can fall asleep anywhere
• They love sweets
• They can follow only simple commands
• They have the attention span of a doorknob
• They love water and hate baths
• They may bite when cornered
• They'll eat most anything - especially if it's on the floor
• They'll eat until they explode
• They love being held and hugged by Mom
• They love being held down and tickled by Dad
• They love hand-to-paw combat on the living room rug
• They get to the house quick when I let loose with my loud Elly-May-Clampett-no-finger-ear-bursting-redneck whistle of death (as my kids call it)
• They know there's food on the table and come running when they hear me hog call, "Suuuuuweeeee! Pig! Pig! Pig!"
• When giving affection, they tend to knock me over
• They tend to be bruised and scratched from pestering cats and their sister
• They are attracted by smell (both good and bad)
• They are very loyal to the food-bringer

As you can tell, boys and puppies share many traits. Of course there are a few differences, the biggest the cost of taking care of boys far exceeds that of pups - it is doubtful that many pups will require braces, driver's licenses, tuxedo rentals, college tuition, and wedding expenses. Thankfully, my boys are still pups and haven't graduated from mud holes, sister-aggravating, and chasing anything that moves - regardless if it has two, six, or even fifty legs - my pack isn't picky.

Speaking of chasing, I heard a loud crash followed by growling, yelping, and hollering. I believe that it's time for the mailman.

And yet another chase begins ...

Stay tuned for more SouthernAngel's rants!