No matter where you live or what you live in, you probably own a couch, sofa, divan, day bed, lounge chair, chaise lounge, loveseat or whatever else they're calling them these days. These items are used for more than mere sitting - they're a social necessity being used for anything like, a conversational piece, sleeping place for angry spouses, a trysting place, a loafing place, and a porch decoration.

To better describe the use of a couch, it's best to categorize them by level. First is the Level 1, which is the nice plastic-covered sofa in the parlor that is reserved for special occasions like when the preacher comes to visit or when rich old Aunt Sarah comes for tea and biscuits. Some folks don't call the Level 1 couch a simple 'couch,' but hang the distinguished label of 'davenport' or 'divan' (pronounced 'daa-vin-purt' and 'die-van' around these parts) on it.

One of my cousins didn't know that the plastic covering came off her fancy davenport. She was so excited because she thought that not only was the sofa water resistant, it was aerodynamic too. She loaded it up in the back of her pickup truck and watched the dirt track races in style. Afterward, she just hosed off the spilled beer and track dust then put it back in her parlor just in case the preacher came to visit.

The Level 2 couch's rules are a bit more relaxed. People may sit on the Level 2 couch only if they don't eat, drink, jump, put up their feet, or spill bodily fluids on it. Only comedies, the news, CSPAN, craft shows, and infomercials may be viewed while sitting on the Level 2 sofa. When I was young, Momma had this gold furry thing that she covered her Level 2 couch (it only lasted a week at Level 1 status because my kitty peed on it). The best way Momma protected her Level 2 couch was removing the television set from the room; that way no one hardly ever sat on her furry gold sofa.

The Level 3 couch is usually found in the playroom or recreation room. You can pretty much do whatever you want on this sofa. Sleeping, jumping, drinking, and eating are okay, although smoking and drooling are frowned upon. All sporting events can be watched while sitting on the Level 3 couch just as long as you clean up your spills.

When the kids go off to college or get married, they often get the Level 3 sofa. If they act offended, Momma will ask, "Hey I wasn't the one spilling my cheese curls, now was I?"

The Level 4 couch is that worn and re-reupholstered thing found on the patio or porch. Some folks give their Level 4 couch to Goodwill or carry it off to the landfill because it's stained, torn, and out of style.

By the way, many people don't understand why some of us put couches on our porches. They consider these couches an eyesore and just plain bad taste. Myself, I believe sitting inside is nice, but sipping a cold drink on a humid night, snuggling on the porch couch with my sweetie while watching fireflies just can't be beat. Besides, where else would Grandpa whittle and dip snuff?

Did you know that having a sofa on your front porch is a sign of higher social stature? Having a sofa on your front and back porch means that you are really living high on the hog!

Whether you call it a couch, divan, sofa, davenport or whatever else, go and sit right down in the company of a loved one. Today's lifestyle is too fast-paced and folks need to take more time jawing with their neighbors while sitting on a soft couch, regardless of its level of use.

Stay tuned for more SouthernAngel's proud redneck articles!