By: Angela Gillaspie © January 2003

Like most everyone else, I spent the holidays surrounded by loved ones. They included relatives, close friends, coworkers, and neighbors. We laughed, cooked, ate, reminisced, argued, cleaned, talked, hugged, yelled, and got on each other's nerves.

Throughout this intensive bonding time, I observed that the holidays sometimes bring out the worst in people rendering them moody, irritable, and downright rude. I guess you'd say they were being jerks. I've written about jerks before, but after this past holiday season, I decided to research this behavior further.

Do jerks know they are being jerks?

After much thought, wine, and endless hours watching C-SPAN, I discovered that there are two classifications of jerks, the Deliberate Jerk and the Accidental Jerk. It needs to be said that many folks didn't classify as either a Deliberate or Accidental Jerk, but just plain Non-Jerks.

To verify my jerk groupings, I confronted a *friend (*name withheld to protect the innocent and surly) and asked, "Did you know you're being a jerk?"

The friend responded, "Why no, Angela! Why would you say that?"

I said, "It's typical jerk behavior to walk in a crowded room, turn on the television, flip the channel to an NFL game, and pump up the volume. It keeps the others from sharing anecdotes, complaints, and unwanted advice."

"Oh, I had no idea I was being a jerk!"

And now, thanks to me, this Accidental Jerk is now a self-aware jerk. Good has been done here.

Another time, when a *friend (*again the identity is hidden to save me from years of angst) complained, "You have too many kids - I hope you aren't planning on having more!" I asked if he knew he was being a jerk, and he exclaimed, "Yes, Mommy Dearest, haven't you heard of birth control?"

I smiled and slowly backed away - biting my tongue to keep from saying, "Yes, I've heard of birth control, I pray that you're using it!"

What influences someone to be a jerk? Is it genetic, or is it the environment? Both.

Genetic Evidence: I found that most Deliberate Jerks carry the Jerk Gene.

The Jerk Gene can be dominant (as in many lawyers and politicians) or recessive (as in many accountants and customer service representatives). My family unfortunately carries this gene. I refuse to say which family members have it as a dominant trait, but I admit that I have it - recessive, of course.

If the Jerk Gene is dominant, the jerk knows he's being a jerk, takes great pride in being a jerk, and goes to excessive lengths to be a jerk. Recessive Jerk Gene folks are usually successful in holding their tongues before making a smart alleck comment, although there are times when they can't help themselves and give in to jerk dogma.

For example, when a male family member refused to make his own dinner plate, I almost blurted out, "What's wrong? Are your arms broke? Oh poor baby. Here, let me lift that remote for you - it looks really heavy."

Yes, I could've been a Deliberate Jerk, but I held back. Once I made a joke about someone's body odor, and I was accused of being a jerk. I was stunned because my comments were made out of love. Accidental or deliberate, I still was a jerk.

Environment Evidence: Most Accidental Jerks become jerks due to pain, fear, anxiety, flat hair, and tight underwear.

The holidays provide many opportunities for jerk-dom. November and December are so stressful thus making the environment cause the Non-Jerk and Accidental Jerk to temporarily become Deliberate Jerks.

What can be done about jerks?

The Jerk Gene carrying folks might think they can't help being nasty, but all they need to do is have a little appreciation for the feelings of others, oh, and respect is important too. This is where you can help. If you discover that you were an Accidental Jerk - apologize. This shows that you are human. Nobody likes a Deliberate Jerk, well, except for other Deliberate Jerks.

If you end up the unfortunate victim of a jerk, ask him if he meant to be a jerk. If he acts surprised, then you've enlightened him and maybe he'll be mindful of his remarks in the future.

Now, if he proudly admits to being a Deliberate Jerk, say:

• "I see you've set aside this time to humiliate yourself in public," or
• "I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce," or
• "I like you - you remind me of when I was young and stupid," or
• "I'm invigorated, yet constipated by your unique point of view."

... then smile politely, and walk away. I reckon sometimes it's OK to be a Deliberate Jerk.

Stay tuned for more of Southern Angel's Stories!