Weather Watchers

By Angela Gillaspie © 1999, 2000

Early in my married life, my husband and I thought worrying about the weather was silly. To us, weather was simply hot or not, or rainy or not. What could possibly be gained by watching satellite images of clouds and impending cold fronts? Of course, we were too busy finishing college and travelling to notice anything on the weather channel or on the radio.

Soon after the birth of our first child and acquiring our first mortgage, we noticed the weather channel and the interesting weather that accompanies the seasons. Suddenly after getting no sleep and squandering all of our liquid assets on assets that absorb liquid, we discovered that travelling, eating out, and basically anything regarding the reduction of one's cash flow was limited for us. Obsessing over the weather became our new hobby. Since the weather here in the south is such a fickle creature, we were prepared.

It is a given that in the wintertime, every ear is tuned into the weather when the phrase 'chance of snow' is mentioned. As soon as we hear that phrase, we immediately flock to the nearest grocery store and stock up on milk, bread, batteries, candles, toilet paper, and beer. Never mind that there have only been one or two blizzards in the past fifty years or so. As my neighbor so eloquently said, "Them weather men know weather like my husband knows laundry." The shelves are plucked bare and then the anxious patrons exit to the parking lot to wait in droves for the milk and beer trucks to arrive.

Northerners shake their collective heads and just don't understand the mania that follows a forecast for snow in the Deep South. We don't get that much snow or ice down here and when freezing precipitation is predicted, we freak. Schools get closed, bread gets sold out, and prayer chains get started. Slick roads are our major concern since we have no experience on icy or snow-covered roads. (Most of us tend to want to slam on our brakes when we hit such things on our roadways, unfortunately.)

Spring weather is another critter all together. Although spring officially begins some time in March, the bad weather can start as early as January. I can attest to this since my full-sized trampoline flew across the yard and ended up hanging half in the trees and half over the fence just a few weeks after we first assembled it on Christmas day.

Before kids, it was really exciting to hear the tornado warnings go off and to stand outside with the video recorder searching the skies for a funnel cloud and the famous freight train sound. When my oldest started kindergarten, it seemed as if the only time the tornado warning sirens would go off was when I was sitting in my minivan with a newborn and a three-year-old waiting on school to let out. Fun quality time was had by all as we squatted in the hallway of the school listening for the all-clear signal while my newborn screamed and my milk let down.

Nowadays, when the tornado sirens wail, I simply usher the kids down to the basement. Usually after heading to the basement the fifteenth time, the kids get bored so I must be a creative planner as we seek safety. A friend of mine helped me come up with a list of interesting things to do and think about during severe weather.

1. Name and tame all the dust bunnies that live under the couch or bed that you are cowering under or behind.
2. Play the "Shine the flashlight in sister's face and make her scream" game.
3. Play the "Who finds the most money under the couch pillows" game.
4. If hiding in the tub, you can ponder (a) do you need a bigger bathtub, (b) do you need to lose weight, or (c) do you have on your good underwear.
5. Also if you are hiding in the tub, there's the whimsical game, "Ring around the Bathtub."
6. You can teach your kids how to make interesting noises with their armpits.
7. You can always play the "Who has the biggest booger" contest that's a sure-fire winner with the kids.
8. If you are in the basement, you can collect camel crickets for fishing bait.
9. Lastly, there's the all-time favorite of parents, the "Quiet Game". Except you know that this game should be renamed to the "Starts out as quiet game but ends up screaming game."

In the summer, the main weather events we watch for are the oppressive humidity and the footage of the latest hurricane. The humidity is important because we've noticed that when the humidity is high, there are more gnats, chiggers, mosquitoes, and love bugs, flying in our eyes, on our windshields, and munching on our exposed skin.

Hurricane coverage is really entertaining, once you get the hang of it. We pop up a bunch of popcorn and watch all of the different kinds of soaked and screaming weather guys and gals who all point out across the ocean and try to look and sound professional amidst the horizontal rain and debris falling around them. What a hoot! Where do they get these people? I wonder if they draw straws at the station on who gets to go down to Mobile, Alabama and slosh through the flooded Piggly Wiggly parking lot?

There isn't much weather in the fall, since our fall lasts for about twenty-seven hours. We quickly open all of the windows to enjoy the crisp clear 60° breezes before the rain starts and the temperature sinks to the forties.

I can't believe that I wasted my first twenty-something years missing the weather! Studying satellite images and Doppler radar arms me with the knowledge I need in the winter (how much toilet paper and beer to buy), spring (basement or bathtub games), summer (insect repellent and popcorn), and fall (film to capture the moment).

Stay tuned to see what SouthernAngel forecasts next!