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Masculine Appliances

By: Angela Gillaspie Copyright © 2000

It is that time of year when kids start school and join sports teams, and so far, I have had it easy. My oldest child is starting her fifth season of soccer (of which I have coached four seasons), and my second oldest child is starting his first season of soccer (which my husband will be coaching). I thought I had a pretty good handle on sports stuff, but after viewing the sports on the local news last night, I had a very interesting conversation with my husband.

The sportscaster went through the football scores and then began on the last of the baseball scores. After viewing a baseball player scratching and spitting, I commented to my husband, "Is it a prerequisite for baseball that you must scratch and spit constantly? Why don't football players scratch as much and spit out on the football field?" He said, "Football players wear mouth guards so they can't spit on the field. If you watch them on the sidelines, you can see that they spit just as much as baseball players. Baseball players wear a cup and football players wear a strap, so of course they itch more."

'Cup' and 'strap'? This confused me. I grew up with all sisters and there were no boys anywhere, so I asked, "So, uh, what's the difference between a 'strap' and a 'cup'?" He proceeded to describe (and show me) a jock strap (ewww). And then he went on to describe the 'cup'. Shocked, and being the inquisitive person that I am, I had many questions. And now for your reading pleasure, I will provide my lengthy interview with the once tight-end and linebacker in football, former guard in basketball, and previous third baseman in baseball.

Me: "Do you wear underwear with a strap?"
Husband: "I suppose you could if you wanted to, I never did."

Me: "Why?"
Husband: "I don't know why! Gosh!"

Me: "Does the cup touch bare skin or is cloth between the plastic and uh, you know?"
Husband: "It touches skin."

Me: "Ewww! Doesn't it hurt?"
Husband: "No, not really."

Me: "It gets all sweaty and stuff doesn't it?"
Husband: "Duh."

Me: "What ingredients does that jock powder stuff have in it? Insecticide?"

Me: "Do you need a strap when playing soccer?"
Husband: He utters a deep sigh, "I'm sure the older players do."

Me: "How old do you need to be to wear a strap/cup?"
Husband: "Honey, it's late. I don't know."

Me: "Can you put the 'cup' in the dishwasher?"
Husband: "NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Me: "Come on, now. We have two sons, and to be a good mommy, I need to know this stuff. Now, will a 10 year-old playing baseball need a cup or a strap?"
Husband: "We don't have a 10-year-old son, and," he pauses for effect, "I DON'T KNOW!"

Me: "How does the cup fit on your, uh, you know?"
Husband: He moans, and says through clenched teeth, "It just fits down in the jock strap."

Me: I inspect his 20 year-old jock strap, "Are there regular jock straps and jock straps with little thingies to hold in the cup?"
Husband: He is louder now and gets up to leave the room, "I DON'T REMEMBER!!!"

Me: "Is there a help desk in the jock strap section?"
Husband: He glares at me as he passes through the doorway, "I SURE AS HELL HOPE SO!!!"

I took that to be the end of the questions. The next morning, after hugging him and giving a kiss, I continued with the questions.

Me: "Do the cups have one size fits all or do they come in different sizes?"
Husband: He ignores me and pours himself a cup of coffee.

M: "Hmm?"
Husband: He turns and gets within two inches of my face, "Next week we will go to jock section at Wal-mart and have a field trip. OK? Please?"

I smile because I know now there is no reason for concern. Soon I'll know ALL about those mysterious masculine appliances. It's too bad that I will miss the opportunity to ask my sometime-soon-teenaged boys' coach all of these questions.

With an evil smile playing on my lips, I think, "Nah, it's never too late for an opportunity to learn."

Stay tuned for more SouthernAngel's masculine articles!

Copyright © 2000-2018 Angela Gillaspie
Revised: 08/14/00 - 05/16/18
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