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Congenital Jerks?

By: Angela Gillaspie Copyright © May 2002

Yesterday I observed my first true-blue-major-league-flaming jerk. Sure, I've seen some semi-jerks in my day, but this guy, Captain Jerk, should win an award. During a youth soccer game, the referee made a call against Captain Jerk's team and Captain Jerk went bonkers delaying the game. A parent yelled from the sidelines, "Why don't you shut up and let the kids play?"

This further incensed Captain Jerk, who then began to question the parent's heritage. After realizing that the ref wasn't going to bow down to Captain Jerk's supreme jerkedness, Captain Jerk screamed at the 9 and 10 year-old kids on his team, "Well there ya go! The ref just rurned the game fer yawl - might as well quit now! The game's over - we lost!"

This made me wonder: Is being a jerk a congenital defect? Does someone know instinctively how to be a huge flaming jerk, or is it a skill learned by practicing in front of a mirror?

It's hard to tell if someone is born a jerk by looking at kids, because most of them act like jerks anyway. By the time the congenital jerk reaches adulthood, most hope of de-jerkifying him is gone because he would never admit to being a jerk. It's like having body odor (BO). You don't smell your own BO, but buddy - it's there offending everyone.

Are you a jerk? Take this quick quiz:

If you answered yes to one, then you probably have PMS, but if you answered yes to two or more of these questions, then you’re probably a jerk.

There are folks that strive to be jerks, news reporters, talk show hosts, and ex-presidents fall into this category. Just imagine them slyly grinning into the mirror, "I am NOT a crook!" and "I did NOT sleep with that woman!"

What can the non-jerk do? Confronting a jerk isnt wise because this is how many folks end up hurt, or worse, as politicians.

The family and/or loved ones of a jerk could try tricking the jerk into a support group. A Jerk Intervention, perhaps? Hmm, I wonder if there are support groups for jerks? Like Alcoholics Anonymous, there could be Jerks Anonymous. Nah, this wouldnt work because jerks are anything but anonymous and I really can't see a jerk standing in front of a crowd saying, "Hi, my names Richard and Im a jerk." Plus, if there were a room full of jerks, thered be trouble. Each one would indignantly accuse the other of being a jerk and the whole situation would degenerate to something similar to a congressional debate over toilet paper funding.

Maybe that would be a good thing, to put jerk against jerk. Sounds like a new show for Fox TV! I can see it now ... "The Jerk Files" "Jerkarama" "Jerk of the Hill" "When Jerks Attack (or Coach)" "Cops meet Jerks" "Americas Most Unwanted Jerks"


Stay tuned for more of Southern Angel's rants!


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Revised: 05/27/02 - 05/16/18
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