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Pass Interceptions

By: Angela Gillaspie © 2004 All Rights Reserved

Boys love football ... and girls love football players.

My oldest son Josh plays on the city's peewee football team. He's very successful in all the positions he plays because he finally found a sport where he could knock the snot out of other kids and not get in trouble.

This past football season, two of his teammates Bubba and Clyde, were in his class and they often spent recess time hashing out different offensive strategies and defensive maneuvers to try at the next football practice. Unfortunately, Darla Sue was a cheerleader, rabid football fan and was also in Josh's class.

One day Josh got off the bus with a sly grin on his face. Since I didn't hear his little brothers or his sister screaming, I knew something happened at school, "What are you grinning about?"

"A girl in my class likes me." He spat out the word "girl" and crinkled his nose as if he smelled something three days dead in July.

"Great! What's her name? Is she cute? Are any of her relatives convicted felons?"

"It's Darla Sue and she follows me around all day telling me nasty things like, 'Hey Josh, I like you,' and it really gets on my nerves."

He went and described how she stood behind him in the lunch line and reminded him that she liked him. During gym class, she'd make sure she was on his kickball team and say, "I know you like me because you threw the ball at me. I like you, too."

At recess she followed him around smiling, "Hey Josh! Do you like me? I can tell you like me 'cuz you're running away!"

I laughed, "What do you say to her?"

"Nuthin'. I ignore her, but she's really bothering me - I think she has cooties and I can't concentrate in class."

I asked him if he wanted me to talk to his teacher and he said, "Nope, Bubba, Clyde and I have it all worked out."

Even thought the boys concocted some offensive strategies to use on poor love-struck Darla Sue, they didn't know that sweet doe-eyed Darla Sue cooked up her own defensive tactics.

That Monday, the boys tried the Recess Fake Double Reverse and successfully got Josh secured behind the monkey bars. But when recess was over, Darla Sue stunned them with her shotgun formation and quick snap of the shoe laces that got the teacher to let Darla Sue be the Line Leader so that she'd be in front of Josh.

After seeing Darla Sue's plan, the boys used their Defensive Darla Block in the library line. The double coverage of Josh kept Darla Sue from getting another first down, but it also put Clyde dangerously close to pass interference from Darla Sue.

The next day during recess, they boys figured out that Darla Sue was going to use a running play so they caused Intentional Girl Grounding and once again kept Darla Sue from her prize. But Darla Sue's Blitz Play Around the Water Fountain made the boys fumble and moon-eyed Darla Sue blew Josh a loud smooch.

"This is unacceptable!" Josh yelled at practice that night, "Drop and give me 20!"

The boys worked out their frustrations on the tackle dummies and re-evaluated their tactics.

Wednesday, Bubba's Man in Motion play to force Darla Sue offside during lunch idea backfired and got him a holding penalty when the lunch lady ruled that Darla Sue was onside. Apparently the mystery fruited Jell-O bounced back to the line of scrimmage in time.

On Thursday, their teacher finally stepped in and made the mighty warriors call a truce. Darla Sue promised to stop her passing plays if Bubba and Clyde stopped Josh's running plays.

Talk about tough love! Ah well, it's probably for the best until Josh, Bubba and Clyde get older and realize that the penalty for being offside on the gridiron isn't as bad as having a perfectly good pass intentionally grounded by a pretty young cheerleader.


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Copyright © 2004-2018 Angela Gillaspie
Revised: 09/30/04 - 05/16/18
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